The beginnings of a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality
Disorder (BPD) can be intoxicating when your partner is brimming with
jubilation because you are in their life. Then inexplicable dark moments
of resentment begin breaking through the infatuation and your partner
acts in cold and even cruel ways. These extreme highs and lows are
commonplace in “Borderline” relationships.
In the most troubled relationships, it is not uncommon for a BPD partner
to unexpectedly abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful
that one cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or
become abusive - leaving you to feel oppressed and broken. Or you have
invested yourself in the relationship and all the latest communication
and relationship tools, but the relationship has eroded and you have no
more to give.
So they leave you - or you break up with them - or one of you finally
decides not to reconcile, yet again. If any of this is you, read on.
Disengaging can be difficult. Rationally, you understand that leaving is the healthiest thing you can do now, yet your emotional attachment is undeniable. This conflict confuses and intensifies your struggle as you feel hopelessly trapped by your desires to rekindle a relationship that you know it isn't healthy - and may, in fact, not even be available to you.
Often we obsess and ruminate over what our BPD partner might be doing or feeling, or who they might be seeing. We wonder if they ever really loved us and how we could be so easily discarded. Our emotions range between hurt, disbelief, and anger.
This guide explores the struggles of breaking away from a partner with borderline personality disorder and offers suggestions on how you can make it easier on yourself and your partner.
Breaking Up Was Never this Hard
Is it because they are so special? Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.
In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your BP partner hung on your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void.
Or, your BPD partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve. Doing this made you feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.
As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You've felt certain that your BPD depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you have been committed to see it through.
Unknown to you, your BPD partner was on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope, and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.
Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.
Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck
Breaking up with a BPD partner is often difficult because we do not have
a valid understanding of the disorder or our relationship bond. As a
result we often misinterpret their actions and some of our own. Many of
us struggle with some of the following false beliefs.
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
We often believe that our BPD partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off.
Idealization is a powerful “drug” - and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner's idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special - but not that special.
You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes.
You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly in the end. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don't count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.
When any relationship breaks down, it's often because the partners are on a different “page” - but much more so when your partner suffers from borderline personality disorder.
Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it's a culmination of feelings that often arise later in the relationship.
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
You concede that there are problems, and have pledged to do your part to resolve them.
Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your BPD partners concerns are very credible in your eyes.
But your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It's a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder.
As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind.
This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible.
4) Belief that love can prevail
Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most - so many wounds from the past have been opened. Of course you have much invested in the relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.
For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize the relationship, you would need to recover from being a wounded victim and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker - it's not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your BPD partner most likely won't understand - you'd be on your own to find it.
For your partner, there are longstanding and painful abandonment fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. They are coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner, it is often much easier and safer to move on than to face all of the issues above.
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
The idealization stages of a relationship with a BPD partner can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage passes.
The idealization that one or both of you would like to return to isn't sustainable. It never was. The loss of this dream (or the inability to transition in to a healthy next phase of love) may be what triggered the demise of the relationship to begin with.
BPD mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization". Your BPD partner may believe this too.
A more realistic representation of your relationship is the one you have recently experienced.
6) Clinging to the words that were said
We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions.
Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering from BPD are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over express emotions like young children - often with little thought for long term implications.
You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are your truth.
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
We often feel if we explain our point better, put it in writing, or find the right words….
People with BPD hear and read very well. But when emotions are flared, the ability to understand diminishes greatly.
Most of what you are saying is being interpreted as dogmatic and hurtful. And the more insistent you become - the more hurtful it is - the less your partner feels “heard” - and the more communications break down.
Your BPD partner will not likely validate or even acknowledge what you have said. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback.
This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure.
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
We often think that by holding back or depriving our BPD partner of “our love” - that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed a fear that we would leave and how they needed us.
During an actual break-up it is different. Distancing triggers all kinds of abandonment and trust issues for the BPD partner (as described in #4).
People with BPD also have real object constancy issues - “out of sight is out of mind”. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six.
Absence generally makes the heart grow colder.
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
You might want to stay to help your partner. Possibly to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.
The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner - no matter how well intentioned.
Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner's bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, you do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It's roots emanate from the deep central wounds of the disorder. You can't begin to answer to this.
You also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?
More importantly, what does this suggest about your own survival instincts - you're injured, in ways you may not fully even grasp, and it's important to attend to your own wounds before you are capable of helping anyone else.
You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself - your own emotional survival.
If they try to lean on you, it's a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.
10) Belief that they have seen the light
Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in - or you may struggle mightily to stay away.
What is this all about?
Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of break-ups and make-ups - disengaging is often a process, not an event.
However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a BP relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up.
Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies.
Make no mistake about what is happening. Don't be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.
Author: Skip
understanindg people with BPD is sometimes really hard we automaicly defend ourselves this is to protect ourselves by the way i didnt know that it is 18 million people suffor form BPD that is quite a few i thought it was about 7% of the country
ReplyDeleteMy ex girlfriend also had BPD but did not realize it until the 4th year of our relationship. Initially she was havi g marital problems and i advised her on how to save her marriage, whereas other men try to take advantage of the situation. She took my advice and fixed her marriage. I regret now being the nice guy in helping here because i believe the idealization started then.We remained good friends. After 6 minths she then suddenly had marital problems again, she separates from her husband, and we became closer starting a relationship. She told me she had divorced him after about two years into our relationship but she never changed her last name. Well after the 1st year of idealization, she would begin breaking up with me thinkin im not interested in the relationship. She played all sorts of games and manipulations to test my loyalty and get reactions out of me. She thought me getting angry shows i care to be in the relationship. If i acted nobchalant the games would only increase. But i started becoming an emotional wreck even to the point of rage and calling her names. I was never like this in previous relationships. I became a person i began to loathe. I couldnt understand why i was losing focus at work and just did not enjoy life because of our tumultuous relationship. If i lied or said the wrong thing, she would use it against me to the fullest, never forgetting and bringing up every time we fought. But whatever she did wrong, she would twist the truth months later. If she lied and got caught red handed, she would not admit to it and just rather break up to save face. All of this just became the devaluation phase. Then came the discard which was a process in the 5th year of our relationshop. She went on vacation and i caught her in a lie. She denied it and said she wants to enjoy her vacation, she misses me so i respond i miss you to so please just enjoy your vacation. I was expecting to hear from her when she gets back, but it has been 3 months and i have not heard from her since. And guess what, she is back with her ex husband meaning she lied about getting a divorce. She used me just to get back at her husband. And someone please tell me, is this normal behavior. This is classic BPD.
DeleteThis article just exactly described the relationship I had with a man, not so long ago...I can't describe how painful it is, eventhough it has been 5 months since we finally broke up for good...
ReplyDeleteHow likely is it that people with BPD can find hapiness with someone? are they able to be happy with someone with a certain type of personality for example?...
I have BPD (female, 40s), and just discovered it after a long, long journey with therapy.
DeleteAfter reading this post/thread, it's made me to see the way that I behave, and it's made me realize that, if I want to keep my partner, I have to understand how *I* am making them feel and work as hard as I can to modify that as best as I can.
I will never completely change and will be angry and grouchy, but it's how I deliver it.
This is my problem and I can't expect everyone to accommodate me. We all have struggles, whether it's with the texture of our hair to the lisp in our voice, but we do the best we can, and can't be liked by everyone. But when someone does like us, it's important to understand how to treat them.
Let your partner(s) read this and see if they can relate. Tell them you'll help them and they aren't bad people, but just different. Your support in helping them to modify and fit in better will make a HUGE difference.
I wanted to thank you for this article, "Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder". It has given me the closure that I would not have achieved with my ex-boyfriend who displays textbook signs of BPD.
ReplyDeleteI have been going to therapy both while in and out of the relationship with my BPD ex and nothing my therapists said resonated the way that the article did.
I spent so many years thinking that I was the one with the problem, feeling guilty that I wasn't loving him enough, holding on to the coattails of a tornado, in essence... I finally broke away from it after the 200th time. My therapist recommended that I read up on BPD because she had felt after hearing all the things that I told her that he was suffering from it. So I googled "how to recover from dating someone with BPD" and came across your article.
I can't explain how thankful I am. I finally feel validated. And I sincerely appreciate the last two sections of the paper. So often I have felt like checking up on him just to make sure that he hasn't collapsed like he said he would if I left him (only to find out that he had already moved on with someone else), so reading that it's a greater kindness for me to step away helps me in not regressing.
Many thanks to the writer of this article. I am truly indebted to them for helping me move on with my life.
Z.
I am going through a breakdown now with my husband who I suspect has BPD. I have been with him for 8 years and throughout all this he has been aggressive, controlling and expressed verbal abuse towards me for work-related stress or if one of my children from my previous marriage runs up the internal staircase, coughs or forgets to switch off a bedroom light. He has convinced me that it has always been me, he never remembers how he was the one who starts an argument but will always remember that I in turn expressed anger in response to defend myself, my children, family and friends.
ReplyDeleteYour article describes exactly the situation we have been in. I have been experiencing difficulty in letting him go, despite all that he has put me through. He has already met another woman, yet has now agreed to go to counselling (while maintaining the relationship with the other woman). I am still at the point where I need to make sure that I have tried everything before I abandon this marriage. I will also seek individual counselling for myself as I can also recognise signs of BPD in me in relation to the fear of abandonment, excessive spending and reacting to his actions impulsively.
Finding this article has helped although I don't want to lose hope that perhaps we can fix this over time.
Thank you for providing insight into the motivations of the parties involved in a BPD relationship. I ended my marriage to my BPD spouse three years ago and I still live with an empty, hollow feeling. My marriage and my life was a nightmare. For the sake of our daughter and my own deteriorating health, I had to end the insanity. We made a clean break but in my heart I know I never really let go of him. After reading your article I understand much better what I had suspected about myself. I blamed myself even when I knew I was dealing with a very troubled man. I was unable to help him, or to find a way to not react to his personal attacks, accusations and name calling. I had to throw in the towel and give up any hope for a happy ever after ending. I was aware that all of his relationships ended the same way but I thought that our marriage would be different. I felt like a failure, and three years later, I still do. Everyday is a challenge for me just to get out of bed and get to work. I constantly read self-help books and articles in order to rebuild my self-esteem and to refocus my thoughts away from the past and him. It is important to understand that we are not to blame for the BPD's behavior and attitudes. We cannot allow ourselves to accept the blame that they lay at our feet and to live with guilt for the things that we cannot change. Thank you for a great article.
ReplyDeleteI'm a single father. And though I did my best to shield them, I never want my kids see the pain I went through. All I ever wanted is just one woman I can grow old with. Right now I'm too traumatized to be in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteI spent 6 long years with a woman whom I found out, at the tail end of the relationship, had BPD. I will not enumerate the 100 or so fights we had. For every 10 gloriously happy moments there were 3-4 excruciatingly horrendous and painful ones. Two steps forward, one step back. In time it adds up. She would blame me, I would blame myself just like the other people who posted here. When I finally would refuse to take the blame she would still find ways to make me the excuse for how she's acting, just like the last and final fight we had.
I'm no angel, I'll be the first to admit that. It came to a point where I flew into a rage and threw her to the ground and slap her. It was something I've never done in previous relationships. I was so ashamed of what I did that I profusely apologized and knew it was time to end it after 75 or so breakups. But what sickened me is that it made her want me more, even asking me to make love to her right after the incident. Yet, in time, she'd do an "about face" and use my moments of weakness against me.
I thank you for this article. It helps me when I miss her. It helps me when I want to get back with her. It helps me realize it's not my fault. It helps me to realize I did all I could. It helps me realize I wasted my time. It helps me when being with other women scare me. It helps me when I'm lonely.
Every day is a struggle. And it pains me to think she's likely moving on so easily, so quick to discard almost a decade of being together, so easy because she's thinking "it's mostly his fault".
I also like to thank the other people who posted. It feels good to know I'm not alone in this. It feels good to know it really isn't my fault because you all know what I'm talking about.
If I may borrow a line from another Anonymous, "We cannot allow ourselves to accept the blame that they lay at our feet and to live with guilt for the things that we cannot change."
God bless you all and I wish you all a good life.
I cry as I write this I know its all true,8yrs wasted ,from idealisation to rage abuse and what I used to call "accidental hurting time" ,he'd be in one of his moods,I'd try to stay out of his way,bt he'd always find a way to hit me in some way,brushing past me in the hall,would result in me ending up on the floor,or I'd sit as far away as I could,bt I'd end up with a knee to the face.the hardest thing to read was that he never felt the same way as I did,I had already come to that conclusion,but to read it in the article was devastating conformation.then came the porn addiction and dating sites he joined,always denials ,lies story's excuses,I feel so sick.I get that there something wrong with me because I let him rule me,the day I met him I found out my dad had cancer.its all starting to fit and honestly I'm overwhelmed.its been 2 days since I left,the texts and calls are tapering off,the first day I left he professed love,today he wished I was dead and that my daughter would be raped.today I saw him with another girl.this is about the 1000 attempt to leave.BT its different the time,I'm not alone,all the BPD websites I have discovered,its as if they know him,they help me realise that I'm not crazy,I'm not alone,I can do this.thank you everybody.rose
DeleteI am 39 years old and I am leaving alone since I left my wife of 9 years relationship. I have 2 kids that are my life and I fear for them, My wife has suspected BDP and she does not admit it. I could not either understood her behaviour, self destructive actions , her constant crying without motive, nastiness, sexless actitud, careless behaviour, lies, changes of mood in minutes, impulsive expenditure, one week of perfection followed by 3 weeks of constant argument..after my counsellor told me... Now I am out of this relationship with very deep feelings of guilt. Thanks to this article I can see things clear and it was not all my fault...
ReplyDeleteAs someone of a very caring nature, who would give all in a relationship, I can only agree with what is posted above. My partner left me saying she was "too busy" to have a relationship, even though we were planning to marry and have a child - a seemingly common tactic BPDs use.
ReplyDeleteI was her saviour, the person she loved, her soulmate for life, someone who respected her, who cared for her, who touched her heart when we made love - all utter nonsense of course. It was all about manipulation of me, for me to always be at her calling, to answer texts immediately, to never be late, to have no control over my actions, to give up my hobbies so we could "be a family", to support her interests above anything else.
As the relationship went on I realised I meant nothing to her, it was ALL about her, everything was about her. As things got ugly, being accused of things I didn't do (looking at other women for example), not caring for her, not wanting her as much as she wanted me, getting screamed at for having a shower instead of a wash, being threatened, being begged not to leave her as I could "break" her, getting the silent treatment for unknown reasons, being told she would tell the police I raped her during an argument, I can only say I am happier away from that environment.
Although I cared (still do) for her well-being, and the "love" she could give was good, a relationship that a BPD offers is NOT a healthy one.
I have now been away for 4 weeks, changed my mobile number, my email and moved from the area, and I feel a lot happier. I have MY life back.
Do I wish I could experience the "love" she offered in the initial stages of our relationship - yes, is that possible - No. Do I hope she gets help - yes, is that my responsibility - no.
I am free, I will survive, and I will move on. Unfortunately her life will always revolve around her illness. As a human being I find that the hardest fact.
This was by far the MOST enlightened article I have read on the subject. After reading countless books, essays, and articles on BPD they all tend to mesh together and say the same thing after a while. This article hit "reality" for me. I have been involved in an on again/off again relationship with a woman who has BPD and it is excruciating! Every one of the points listed hit home, especially #9. Every time she distances and says cruel things, I inevitably stop contacting her and try to move on and deal with the hurt. No sooner than I leave, however, then I get an email from her "apologizing" for the way she acted. It has come to a point to where I can pretty much track her cycle by a calendar. The sad part is that now, just like the author said, we are using one another for sex and the "high" of the honeymoon phase. This lasts for about 2 weeks, which is then followed by another week or two of her slowly pulling away, which is followed by a week or two of her totally hating me and being annoyed at everything I do. Whether I am an active part of her life during this hurtful period or I distance myself, if still doesn't matter. Her anger is solely focused on me. I become exhausted and as much as I LOVE this woman, I decide for my own mental health that I must leave...then the cycle begins again. I am fortunate because unlike most who have written, I am not married to this person nor do I have children with them. For those of you that have to put up with this same torment in a marriage, my prayers are sincerely with you. I am sure the frustration and pain that I feel is only multiplied for those who are in a more permanent situation. Again, kudos on a fantastic article!
ReplyDeleteMy marriage of 12 years recently imploded when i found text messages revealing my wife's emotional affair. I pushed for councelling and we were just building up steam when our councillor recognized BPD in my wife and codepwndency in me.
ReplyDeleteA couplw days ago I was ready to tell my wife we needed a trial separation. Of course my wife magically started acting kinder and more"there" than she had in months. Now i dont know if I can do it.
She doesn't know she has BPD yet. The therapist waa discussing aome thinga with me and I connected the dots (with Google's help).
I am so scared - for my wife, myself, and our daughter. The laat thing in the world that I want is to lose my qife, my family. But all evidence suggests she's already gone; she's just clinging to me for...caretaking? familiarity?
This article helps reinforce what I nwws to do. I am not strong enough to support her while she attacks me and destroys evweything I ever thought she wanted...especially me. But I just dont think I'm strong enough to leave either.
Thankyou so much for publishing this article. I am 21 years old and have been dealing with a breakup from a BPD ex boyfriend for 2 months now. As others have said, I'm finding it so hard to move on and not contact him..only because I know how emotionally unstable he Is. He has his moments where he sends lovely texts and calls me wanting to talk...then other times he blames me for trying too "force" him into getting professional help.
ReplyDeleteThe logical and rational part of me knows it's best for me to move on..but the part of me that loves him still wants to keep holding onto the hope that we'll get back together and be better than before. Unfortunately though, the harsh reality is that until my ex gets help for his BPD..we'll never have a healthy relationship. And that's something I have to deal with everyday....
So glad I stumbled on this article. I was with an undiagnosed BPD. We were together since I was 16. 11 years together. I cried everyday. We fought everyday. I hated it. We have 2 kids together. For my kids sake I am researching BPD so that they will know that THEY are not at fault. I need to protect them, and I hope I can learn to 'deal' with him better. Prayers for all. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you-reading this article has finally allowed me to move on and know that everything that happened was not my fault.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post, I have to say that i truly hope it changes my out look from here on out. I am 25 years old and I have been dealing with an unhealthy relationship on and off for the last 7 years. It was not easy to see at first but after reading this post I am sure that this has always been out issue. I have followed these cycles for the past 4 years not and every time I have to leave after he has an "episode" I find that it hurts more and more.
ReplyDeleteAfter a while the words of anger seem to fade and its not the content of what he is saying that hurts anymore its purely just that he is doing it again. This is my first time reading about BP I stumbled upon it through "Leaving toxic relationships".
The part that struck me most about this post was when you said "There will never be closure" and that I am the "Trigger". It makes sense to me. Although I love him dearly and i know that he does love me, he doesn't know how to love me. This is going to be a long journey but in the end maybe it wont hurt as much. Hopefully next time i wont believe that "HE has seen the light and is going to change" AGAIN!
The only words that instantly comes to mind is that God has directed me to this site. I've been living this life of the past 10 months of blaming myself, crying myself to sleep, praying for my husband to return home, I think now that it will never happen. This an eye opener for me. We met in 1989 and married in 2001. There were so many red flags that I ignored, and with this affair he is currently having, as it states "out of site out of mind" that is me. After my extensive research now I know what I am dealing with of my husband. I will continue to pray for him. Thank you for this article, and hope to see more to help me with my closure.
ReplyDeleteFantastic article. I've been dealing with someone of this nature for 3-4 years. The "highs" of the relationship were insane. Something I've never experienced before and I knew it must be true love. Boy I couldn't have been more wrong. So many parts of this article hit home. I do have codependent tendencies and we made a match alright. I wasn't allowed to have friends even text me let alone girls. I was not allowed to talk to ANY girls for any reason. Looking back there were so many red flags but I just didn't fully understand since I've never been through anything like this. I'm 34 now and she is 29. This has been going on for 4 years. I can identify with every single part of this article in some way, shape, or form. In that 4 years I've never been so sad in my whole life. My blood pressure was rising. There were times I thought for sure I was going to have a hard attack. Every time she left then came back I thought for sure she had "saw the light". This article made me understand that will never happen. I do still care for her immensely, just as everyone else here seems to. But I understand that I am the trigger and there will never be one last episode. Luckily we never married and have no kids together. I do have a son from a previous relationship and I feel terrible for making go through this. It's all about concentrating on him and myself now. I'm taking a time out from any relationships for a while. You cant just heal overnight and like it says, "disengaging is a process not an event. I've asked her not to contact me anymore so that we can move on with our lives. I'm fearfull that she will contact me again in the future. She knows me so well and she can easily manipulate me. We had moments of such truth and honesty (or so I thought) that she knows me inside and out. I've never been so close to someone and hurt so bad. You just wish that things would go back to when you were so happy. And they quite possibly would. But what's guaranteed is the downward spiral back down. You cannot try to understand the thought process of someone with bpd. Be strong and look out for yourself. There are other people out there who arent so messed up. Nobodys perfect but noone should have to feel the emotional pain like that from someone who is supposed to care for them. I'm here to tell you that YOU CAN DO BETTER! Take your balls back and keep them. Make plans to be with your friends and family as much as possible and repair those relationships that suffered so much damage as a result of your bpd partner. Hit the gym and take time to heal and work on yourself. DO NOT rush into something else. I've tried that before when we were broke up for 3 months and all I could do is compare it to my previous relationship and there was no comparison. It just made it worse and I missed those crazy highs and ended right back up in it. I'm done for good this time and it feels absolutely amazing saying that and taking control back of my own life. I thought I was alone but I guess this is more common then I thought. I will never find myself in this type of relationship again. Take care of yourself people. Everything will get better in time. You deserve better!!
ReplyDeleteHi Jason
DeleteThis was written some time ago now, how are things 2 years later.
Kindest regards. Sue. (Non-borderline)
Wow... seeing all this really brings some light to me... I have been so confused, hurt, accused, rejected, and at fault so many times I was beginning to say I am sorry ALL the time.. even If I haven't done a thing wrong. Even after a fight years ago.. he feels the need to make sure to tell me what I did wrong and make sure I understand how he felt. I am in a struggle right now trying to get away from this man. I do love him or do I love the man I thought he was.. after all his pattern is to be the knight and shining amour that saved me from the hell that I was going through with my ex husband. In turn I have never been hurt by a man as much as I have by this one. Reading all these things confirms to me that hey maybe I'm not crazy after all or being so confused agreeing that I said or did something that I did not. I have been in and out of this relationship for 13 yrs. I did the no contact thing for 8 1/2 months was doing better and then ran into him one day, it was right back on. This time he has crushed every part of my being
ReplyDeletebecause he had moved on and now is trying to rub my nose in it. It is destroying me. I am on my way to get out.. reading these things are so helpful. Thanks everyone right now I don't even feel that I know WHO I have become and I need to find me again for sure.
Bob Rugh
ReplyDeleteThis article has helped me see some light. I met my ex-wife in 1996, married in 2001, separated in 2009, and officially divorced in 2010. Two children. The gigantic roller coaster ride I have been on is unrivaled I believe. From total ups, great sex to total beat downs and extreme distance. I can write a book on the last 16 years.
As you can see, it is 3 AM and what am I doing? Up at night thinking of her. I can't get over her, God, even though I absolutely understand BPD and the absolute waste of time it is in such a relationship. This article has helped me and now I need to realize once and for all, IT WILL NEVER WORK! I want it to so badly, because of our two children. They don't have a normal family life and that makes me feel hurt for them and guilty.
My ex is the most difficult person to deal with I have ever experienced. But, I have to deal with her constantly because of the children. It is a nightmare! Constantly being accused, blamed, ridiculed, minimized, hated. Why in the world would I want to go back to that? Obviously, I need to get help to get over these feelings.
She is absolutely gorgeous, but that is where the beauty stops. She has a new boyfriend, and I am told by my son that they have major fights and issues. That guy better get out while he can.
Well, I am envious of all of you who have gotten out of a BPD relationship before marriage and children. You can try to get away for good and never have to deal with that person again. I can't! So, you people who are in a BPD relationship and are having problems, be careful. It doesn't get better. Believe me, I am a veteran of the BPD war. Good luck to you all and God bless!
Hello I can relate to all of your comments on here. I left my husband over 3months ago as I suspect he has bpd... it was the hardest thing but something from above told me to leave. I knew he was cheating on me by his actions hiding of the phone verbal abuse everything always my fault he lost interest in me all of a sudden he stopped talking to me just one worded answer's for the ladt two weeks begor I left our home and marriage. He planned to leave me .. as I suspect ed and the nxt night I went bk there and he had gone ... only taking a few clothes fragrances etc... he didn't contact me for 6weeks untill he had to cause he abandoned me and left me with the house to sort out clear out which I did with the help of family and friends.. he txt saying wherd is all the stuff etc... im sorry ive broken yr heart were just not meant yo be togther (repetitive) and that he needs me as a friend in his life always. Cant not ever have me as a friend etc...
DeleteI have suspected my wife has BPD for two yars now. We have been together for 4 and have a 10 month old son. Yesterday she blew up at me for the smallest thing; I asked her to grab a toothpick out of our sons hand for fear he might put it i his mouth. Somehow this offended her and wihtin 10 minutes I am being called a bastard and yet another 10 mins later she wants a divorce. It's the same song and dance every time. People say that I am extremely patient, almost to a fault. I tend to to agree.
ReplyDeleteYesterday was the last straw. I called a lawyer about an hour ago. I'm calling her bluff, but this time I'm going through all the way. I'm done. I can't take the abuse anymore. She says things to me I could never imagine saying to a friend much less a spouse. I feel a sense of relief but I fear for the future of our son. I fear for how I will cope once the reality of it all sets in. She will backtrack and try to patch it up as usual, but I have never been so sure as I am now that I have exhausted my patience and willingness to persevere in the hopes of better days. The stress levels I have reached in this relationships ultimately triggered illness that I am battling with, all the more reason to leave and try to repair my mind and body. When your relationship makes you suicidal, it's time to go.
I left my home country, friends, family to be with her. That's what hurts the most because it makes me feel like such an idiot. Never again. Now I have to start from scratch and she keeps my son. That's the part that breaks my heart, not seeing my son every day.
I hope that we can find some peace at the end of this long road. Just keep reminding yourself that things will get better and it's not your fault. You were in a relationship with a person who does not have the ability to love in the proper sense nad was just using you to fill a void. And remember to move slowly the next time you meet someone, it always seems perfect in the beginning.
My post--
ReplyDeleteI fell in love with a borderline man about 2 years ago. At the time, of course, I did not suspect borderline. Psychology has always been a side interest for me (read books on various psychology topics) and an understudy in college. I fell for a guy that is very intelligent, professional, fun, funny... In the beginning he was attentive and did little romantic things and wanted to spend time with me; however, he was also ending a previous longterm live together relationship. I quickly found out that he had cheated with numerous women during the longterm relationship. For some reason, I chose to accept that and expect he'd be faithful to me because he knew how important it was to me. I do think that he was likely physically faithful, but not emotionally faithful. He continued regular/frequent contact (phone, email, text and once in a while meeting) with several of the ex's. He did not move all of his things out of the ex's and had excuses why. I told him that friends is okay with appropriate boundaries. Except it wasn't appropriate boundaries. The ex's contacted him frequently, sent love cards in the mail, acted needy. He kept saying that he wasn't abandoning friends that counted on him. In addition, he often flirted with other women in front of me, frequented porn websites, and commented on his interaction with pretty women. He never thought it was rude and often said he was "high testosterone." In the beginning he showed many signs of jealousy, intense anger with me and others, depression, self loath, suicide remarks, anxiety, short disappearing... The entire time we were together, it was a rollercoaster of rocky road then fun times and back to rocky. A few months ago, I realized that these aren't just issues with the last longterm relationship, it clearly is BPD. The last few months, he started cutting me out slowly -- un-friended me on facebook, blocked my email from his personal account, deleted my info. from his cell and told me he only had time to spend with me on Sundays. I am incredibly hurt by his behavior. My head tells me he doesn't really love me whole-heartedly because he can't, he's so afraid of abandonment that he keeps all the ex's hovering, he can't commit to me because he is so afraid of abandonment if he has to let go of the others, he controls me with his conditions on the relationship, he struggles to say I love you, he has inappropriate anger often, he is in AA, he sometimes is a loner, he says he imagines women cheating on him so that when it happens he can deal with it, and he sabotages our relationship with imposed restrictions. The other side is: I fell in love not knowing those things at first, I felt we really connected at first, he was fun and happy, I loved his bright eyes, humor, voice, and touch. I sometimes think some of my letting go problem is about rejection more so than love, and I've never felt so comfortable with anyone before. I'm 49 and feel like it might have been my last chance and I'm terribly sad. I am smart and educated on the BPD subject, yet I still fell. Maybe I'm just foolish for love since the real deal is soooo rare. – LMV
I don’t know if you’ll see this, but this is exactly what I’m going through right now. I feel like I could have written this.
DeleteI recently broke it off with my GF of 6 years. My new therapist told me she sounded like someone suffering from BPD, and so I read up on it. It was like reading the story of my life. I was in disbelief to know I wasn't alone in feeling this crazy, this helpless. I was in disbelief to discover that this was a defined disorder. I am even happier to read articles like the above. As one of your readers wrote, it's validating, and the healthiest alternative to sitting around thinking about the way things could be.
ReplyDeleteWe lived in different cities, I was married and she was much younger. The first year was so amazing I honestly thought that perhaps I never really experienced true love before. She was everything that matched my personality. She was my 'soul mate'.
Then, one night she discovered an inconsistency in the date on a digital photograph, and tho I was mistaken about it she was convinced she caught me in a lie. I have to say our relationship has never been the same since. I moved into my own house to have the freedom to see her. For the next 5 years, with any sign of loss the meltdowns would occur. It didn't matter where we were... on the street, in a hotel room, in my house, her apartment, on the phone. I was convinced she was bipolar. Still I'm the one that felt guilty. I'm the one that would send her money, take care of her more, do more things to show her everything would be okay.
Obviously, the relationship regressed to the point where I finally saw someone new. When I did, she immediately fell in love with her new roommate. This triggered MY abandonment issues and I felt a sense of loss I'd never experienced before. I fought to get her back, but her crosshairs were already on a new man. The problem was, he wasn't that into her, so she tried keeping me in place while she figured out if he loved her like she felt she loved him.
After 10 months of waiting and being patient, trying to believe in her lies, why she couldn't answer the phone in the middle of the night, why she was always texting etc but still telling me she loved me more than anyone... I left her.
She still texts me daily. It's an insane thing. I've been part of it. I'm looking at that, addressing it, my own issues. But thank you for this article. This does help me stay strong and realize there is no way to put the cat back in the bag and have what we had. Maybe a day here or a day there, but overall it would be madness resulting in violence that might lead one of us to jail. Neither one of us are violent people, but this is so toxic I can imagine it happening.
That's my story. Hard to even write it. Thank you for this page, and all the corresponding letters.
I have been trying to get out of a marriage with a personality disordered husband for years. Somehow he keeps me in it, with guilt, fear, and the hope that things can somehow just get better. I always feel like I can give it one more try, maybe this time we can be happy and I won't make him angry, suspicious, etc. I have endured being called terrible names, being told I am a bad mother, I am inhuman, I have no morals. I've endured being awakened at 3:30am to try to fight with me, I've endured being accused of having affairs, or of being interested in other men... I don't know why, this last time, I didn't just FOLLOW THROUGH. Now, I'm back in it, and I'm thinking "if he does just ONE MORE THING." but of course, I've told myself that countless times. Now I really do understand why some people commit suicide.
ReplyDeleteI am in the middle of a separation from my Wife, she has BPD and over the last three years it has become more and more defined. I myself was never one for conflict, every time she exploded I would shut down and go silent scared almost that if I told her the truth she would arc up again, or ever worse, internalise. She has had 10 jobs in the last 5 years and now that I finally said I dont love her like she loves be she has broken down and wants constant explanation on why I have done this. I cant explain anything because she doesnt see her behaviour, she just says all she ever did was love me completely.
ReplyDeleteWe will speak about the separation sometimes like we are friends, but within a day she is on the phone making me feel worthless and guilty telling me it is all my fault for lying to her and I have destroyed her dreams, that its my issues that have done this. She never sees that she has hurt the relationship just as much.
I should have been stronger, but I cant do it anymore and be true to myself. I feel weak, and I feel like it is all my fault, and I am deserting her.
The worst part is we started off as best friends and now I have to hurt my friendship in order to free myself.
I'm just now seeing this article; thank you for writing it. I've been married to a BPD man for 7 years... would have been 8 in March... and after the honeymoon was over it's been all down hill (easy to see now), with patches of good stuff.
ReplyDeleteI now understand how and why I fell for the BPD sales pitch; these guys are really good at finding you when you're temporarily vulnerable. My story shares many similarities to those above, so there's no point in re-hashing. We're finally divorcing now that he feels it's his idea, and he has a new woman to re-start the cycle with. And while I might feel bad for this other woman since I very much know what's headed her way, I'm glad she's there because now he'll let me go so I can become completely free of him to start recovering my authentic self. Thank God we didn't have children together!
I wish you all the very best life has to offer, and knowing what I know about what we're all going through/have been through, I can confidently say you're valuable and deserving. Just don't YOU forget it!
Thank you so much. Your article spoke directly to me, to my heart, to my mind, at a time when I most needed to hear your wisdom. Thank you for the enlightenment. Although, it's all so very sad the fact is that I must leave someone I love who enchanted me to my core.
ReplyDeletewow, i really can't believe what i'm reading or the accuracy to which i relate to what i am going through and have been through. I am relieved and amazed at the same time. My friends and family have been praying i stay away from a two year relationship that imploded in the worst of ways that left me destroyed. I am rebuilding my life and working on myself to heal. I informed her last week that I have moved on (but haven't) and that it would not be fair to my new relationship if she continued to text and email me little thoughtful notes like she has been...she is in a new relationship but is still trying to keep me strung along. All the signs were there from the beginning and it all makes so much sense now. Thank you so much for this information and for all those who have shared their experiences here. Stay strong and carry on, good luck and God bless.
ReplyDeleteWow, finally two years my relationship ended what I suspected all along is confirmed. I had a suspicion while we were together that the convoluted expression of love weren't real, they were too far fetched. She got together with one of my closest friends straight away which broke me completely.
ReplyDeleteThey've finally split up after 18 months and now my instincts that the cycle repeated with my friend feel well and truly confirmed.
Almost everything in this blog post is exactly what happened to me.
Yep, we were going to get married and have a family Yep, there was no one like me (except my friend of course, and whoever comes next), and yep I'm angry and feel stupid.
the idealization of me, the unstable identity, the sudden coldness, the hysteria, delusions, paranoia, the unacceptable behaviour, the crushing of my self esteem..
I was treated for post traumatic stress afterwards (which I recommend btw, look up EMDR).
Thanks for this article; I wish I'd found it earlier.
To the author Skip-this is the most relevant article I have come across. Extremely helpful. Six weeks into the break up, no face to face contact during this time, but a final GOODBYE text from him. I now miss even the little friendly messages he was sending. The part where the article says "Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner's bad feelings and bad behavior" is so relevant to me to help me understand why there seemed nothing more I could do to save our relationship. I took a tremendous amount of verbal abuse (then always temporarily forgotten by the Love) because I actually gave him a good reason to lash out at me. After being together with minor problems for a year he abandoned me over a small issue -came back 4 months later asking for forgiveness and we got back together. After a month into the renewed relationship which was going quite well--long story short I lied to him and he caught me with another guy I was trying to decide between the two and know it was wrong. I had tried to break up prior, but he swayed me to not leave him and I caved in and started seeing both. Anyway he wanted to forgive me and I interpreted this as True Love Meant to Be like in the great love novels. So we got back together. He then proceeded to put me through hell for another year and a half. I took so much because of my guilt and knew he was so sensitive and so very hurt. But his reactions were extreme, and my friend a psychologist was feeling he was BPD, but I ignored this and felt he just needed more time and after all it was horrid what I did to him. It never ended-he lashed out at me all the time over the course of these last 15 months. I started to think in terms of being "persecuted" or "crucified". In our case this was the overwhelming theme of fights as he perseverated continuously on this-and one other irrelevant issue which he blew to gigantic proportions. There was other stuff too typical of this disorder, but my realization of how bad his behaviors were was clouded by how he had convinced me I was so bad and he was so hurt and so I allowed myself to be punished far to long and far too brutally (verbally/emotionally). Then he'd get over it and it was wonderful again, then flip out again at no provocation. That's where I see just my presence was now a trigger as this relationship after every short break up just declined more-meaning he acted out more frequently and over more things. The relationship had soured, but it's hard to see that when you're on the rollercoaster. I know for any man after a betrayal who chooses to forgive it would be hard to trust again; in the case of a BPD it is I think impossible-and what I've learned now from all my researching this d/o is that he probably couldn't leave me in the first place because of the abandonment issues and in his heart there was the splitting of me being all good or all bad. He could not accept it as a mistake even though he first acknowledged people make mistakes-that was the cognitive ability-but once emotional he could never reconcile it. He kept promising he was over it-but the lashing out never ended. Our breakup happened because of what the author states-I just didn't reconciliate this time after mean and inconsiderate things and it just finally sunk in this would never end. Also my pain or feelings were never acknowledged after his trashing me because after all I'D CAUSED HIM LASTING HURT-his was always the bigger hurt we both focused on unceasingly. I've read this article several times to help me from seeking him out. I'll always wonder how things would have turned out if I hadn't lied to him. Wonder if his disorder were mild enough we could have managed or if it would have eventually fallen apart regardless, or been a life filled with strife forever.
ReplyDeleteEight years ago I meet the girl of my dreams. We dated for two and a half years. In the end she cheated. Somehow she convinced me it was my fault. I didn't know it then but she is bpd. All these stories are like reading my own. After we ended she taunted me. She moved across country with her new girlfriend. Finally I could move on, or so I thought. Anytime i tried to date she would interfere from afar. Sending many cruel post cards. No way for me to defend myself against this. I cannot move, can't reply. She always got the final say. This went on for years. Eventually it led to emails & phone calls. Then one day i walk into a bar & there she was. My heart nearly exploded. I thought w could have a decent conversation but i was wrong. Once she returned to her out of state home the constant texting & calling began. We found a friendship. Or so i thought. She moved back with her same gf & i was suddenly the bad guy again. Even going a far a getting me uninvited to my own sisters house because they were going to be there. After that relationship ended, things got worse. She ended up dating my very best friend. Drive a wedge in that friendship that will never heal. I finally hardened my heart to her. I was over her. I felt as if she could hurt me no more. This year on my birthday we has a few beers together. Since then it has been six months, dating or whatever you want tho call it. I don't know what its wrong with me. I do feel like I'm to blame. I am a smart girl in every aspect of my life except for her. My heart breaks more and more everyday. The fights are so bad and over nothing, literally nothing. She won't let me talk to my friends for advice. I find myself smiling the fake smile I've become so good at wearing. I don't know how to get out. I'm sick of hiding my life because no one else could understand. I'm not allowed to feel hurt my the cruel things she says. One cocky sooor-rey &i have to forgive & instantly feel fine. I can't, i shouldn't. I have never loved like this before or after her. She made sure of that. I should hate her but i can't.
ReplyDeleteI'm broken..
Incredible.Im comming out of a 6 month lover relationship. It was a most fullfilling relationship. She started warning me that she has a problem with herself that affects relationships in her life. She once told me her mother stated she feels sorry for the man that will one day be with her. Red flags started popping up when after havinga great week and we were both really busy. She was going to the mall and i commented that i was to go there around the same time but for a short period due to a very busy evening. When i suggested i can run into her for a short moment, she text back stating" I hate hate when people set time limits". i was taken back only to say " i really was hoping to see you because i miss you but no worries we can see each other at another time. This was only the beginning. As the relationship progressed these events would pop up getting worse. I would never know what or when it would set her off. One night googled some general word trying to make sense of all this. Once i came across BPD it was so revealing. In her case, there was no substance abuse, cheating but slowly i started being blammed for all her suffering. She was an extreme romantic, always listening too love music, expect me too be texting with her every 5 to 10 minuted daily. The text clinging made me think this was a norm only to become like her. Suddenly one wrong comment whould set her off. i would contact her withe the attempt to consider her and get closure from a simple misunderstanding. She would break off contact and hybernate into her room with no response to my calls. Once i was just about to move on she come back to her original self. But she was never at fault. Once i started not reacting to her moods and actually replying with a positive response she would start to appoligize only to swing back into the moods again. we would have a calm discussion on for her to take a fit and storm out of the car ovoiding days of contact. Then she sent a text stating how can someone she loves cause so much pain to her. I loved her to the point I was trying to save her. Somehow I believed this would get better as we stuck together. Im in the fresh process of getting over this. I have been so drained by the hard effort and consideration i put into her.It has been a challenge to let go.
ReplyDeleteThis is going to be quite a long story, as it involves the time of meeting my partner to divorcing him after six years.
ReplyDeleteIn 2007, when I just turned 18 years old, I started dating a guy who quickly became controlling, obbsessive, and needy.He did not allow me to have a social life or go out with my friends due to his "fear of losing me". Three months into the relationship I became his psychologist to issues involving his family and death of a friend. I emphasize this point because I dont think its quite normal or healthy to involve someone you've dated for three months into ones world of issues. But i felt bad for him and I initially thought that he has extremely poor self-esteem, so I tolerated it. I always tried to explain to him that Im not the type to go off cheating or doing something that can harm anyone - human or animal, it is not in my nature. Either way I was constantly trying to live a normal life and reasure him that I cared about him. Also three months into the relationship he showed up uninvited to my house everyday after his work and stayed at my house until he went home to sleep. A year later, he won my heart over. He shared many things with me, his history, his dreams, his fears, his hopes, his interests, his interests towards me, and so forth. I opened myself up to him aswell - things that I did not even tell my own mother, my hopes, dreams, my train of thinking, my past, my fears, my whole entire being. He seemed like such a compassionate and caring person, someone who was honest and warm, hardworking, moral, someone that you can have a great conversation with, similar opinions, beliefs, expectations, etc. Shortly after, we got engaged and a couple of months after engagement, the relationship was heading towards the bottom. Half a year after engagement he started to be distant, his entire character seemed to change, its like he lost interest in me. I was only 20 and this was difficult for me. He argued for no reason and many times it got out of hand and it never should of. He was physically abusive, but that did not hurt as much, as the emotional neglect and mental abuse I endured. I was always left with with feelings of confusion, resentment, shock, fear, guilt, shame, everything you can imagine. So the relationship continued after a brief separation. He said he was a new man. The physical violence stopped for a while but the emotional distance remained. He was always "too tired" to even have a conversation with me, and "too busy" with building his "empire" of a business. His character changed too, it was not the same person I fell inlove with and that I shared so many moments with in the past. He was extremely jelous, irritable, and quick to anger. Nothing was ever resolved, the conflicts always got out of hand. I couldn't even talk to him like a regular adult, he always use to blow up, put the blame on me, accuse me of things, and at other times just run out the door and leave me alone, wondering why and wondering if he was okay. On several occasions he told me that he calculated the distance, angle, and speed he needed to drive into a cement bridge, in order to die on impact. He once also took a belt and tied it around a bar in the washroom and attempted to hang himself. But would he do it? I dont think so, i didnt think then either. He was much too egoistic and I could tell that he wanted attention and for me to "feel bad". I did anyway.
The rest of the relationship was hard, i always wanted to explain things to him, try to fix things, try to make him feel comfortable, try to do everything to avoid his feelings, and ultimately try to understand why he treated me like the biggest sh*t. The only thing that was lways stopping me from ending the relationship was the memory that I once shared with him, of a better time. We got married on June 4th, 2011. I felt alone of my wedding. He did not even say one word to me before or after the ceremony. Its like his mind and heart werent even there. For him all that mattered was his family - mainly his father, mother, brother, and thrid cousins. That was the worst day of my life. I left the reception after dinner and went home. My parents didnt know what was going on so I didnt want to worry them - I told them I was getting sick. Suprisingly, after the marriage it got even worse. He was so hurtful verbally, distant, he blamed me for everything, he was arrogant, he started treated me like some child, he started criticizing me, calling me all the names that you can imagine and for no reason. I was married but have never felt so lonely in my life. Sometimes i fought back with him at other times I just grew tired of prtoecting myself, trying to explain, trying to make a marriage work, but I couldn't do it by myself. All through out the marriage he, in my opinion, picked fights and always headed to a hotel. (He always blamed me for everything and this was his justification). In September 2012, after one of his rage episodes, he litterly threw me out of the house. I was so hurt - it was like adding salt to an already existing wound. I was shocked he didnt want to be married to me anymore. I was ashamed to tell me parents. I felt like an object, and this coming from a person who vowed something to me, who should of been responsibile for my wellbeing - in all aspects. But I shouldn't of expected more, considering how he treated me for the past three and a half/ four years. He left me with a car to pay off and I was still a student not working anywhere. He left my father responsible for for getting my furniture.
ReplyDeleteHe never wanted to change this relationship, he never cared about me, he never cared about anything other than the drama which him and his family thrived on, and his business. He never took responsibily for his actions and on the contrary blamed me for every single thing not only in the relationship but in life. We separated and I was having a hard time but somehow could function. I continued with school and found a job. Towards the end of October he contacted me and told me that he misses me, he told me that he would change, he told me that he loves me and that he cant imagine a life without me. He told me that hes sorry (for the first time in the entire relationsip), he wanted to be married to me and work on it. I was hesistant but his toxicity made me agree to it. We went to talk to a priest on a couple of occasions, we went to one session of couples therapy. Nothing helped. He went back to his destructuve patterns and i think it even got worse than before. I did not recognize his character anymore. His beliefs, his opinions, his interests about concrete things changed, to the point where I couldn't tolerate it. He started to critisize my personal appearance and my character, aswell as my friends, my parents, my parents marriage. He started to ignore me and neglect me all over again, blame me for everything, pick fights just to hurt me. The things which he promised were empty lies. He just needed someone which he can control, which he can have for himself, which he can destroy. Oh and I found out of his double life during the entire marriage and the one he had while being separated with me and the one he had when reconciled with me, at a time when we were working on our marriage. He destroyed me. He was filled with contradictions, with lies, with empty love, empty promises, no ability to see or feel guilt, no empathy, no humanity. So now its a second separation and this one is going straight to divorce. At the age of 23, I think I endured enough torment from a tyrant, who has no sense of control, no ability to percieve clearly, no morality, no respect, no sympathy, no empathy, no love, just lust. Its been one week since my second separation, and my extensive research brought me to the conclusion that his doctor misdiagnosed him for having bipolar, when in fact, he represents a portrait of borderline personality disorder. And despite everything, I feel bad for him. Only because whether it be genetics or developmental problems, he will miss out on the true human potential and experience: to love and to feel. He will never have that, he will only have love which he only understands through the confines of his mind.
ReplyDeleteAs of me, Im 23 and getting a divorce. I gave all of myself towards this relationsip and to this man: my heart, my thoughts, my life, even my virginity. I did everything Im capable of doing to help. And this was enough. People need to understand that they are not capable of changing someone with this disorder no matter what, the wont change their reckless behaviours. It is a disorder - there is nothing that anyone can do to help. It will continue to be a repetitive cycle of negativity and it will do harm to you both mentally and physically. Every human deserves better, deserves someone who wont have a personality change from hour to hour, that wont have some rage episodes, that wont be reckless, that wont be distant, that wont give you some silent treatment. As much as you want to change that individual, you wont. As much as you want to help them - you wont. It is a toxic relationship, it is torment, it is the worst type of torture. I was one of those woman who always needed to find explanations, who always needed to help and believe me, its not worth your health. I dont know how long it will take me to get over these six years. I dont think I will ever forget him because in my stupid head i love him and probably always will (even if i know that what he was doing was manipulation and his love wasnt love at all, just lust). He ruined my being, my soul, my identity, my self worth.
ReplyDeleteall of this "suspected" or "textbook" BPD.. is not BPD. It is a complex illness and is actually different for each person. Unless your ex partner was diagnosed by a psychiatrist, don't say anything. You are not a doctor and what you're doing is perpetuating a stigma that is incredibly harmful to people who have BPD and their loved ones. Intensive research into treatments is just beginning to take place, FINALLY.. after years of silence on the illness. and whoever said 7% of people have this... no, every scholarly article and psychology text i've read states 1%-4%. This article stereotypes people with this illness and it's incredibly biased and frankly bigoted. Many people with BPD are aware of their illness and can see when episodes are happening... my thinking is logical and reasonable the majority of the time. But my partner and I are both capable of pointing out my BPD behaviours and doing what is necessary to cope with them.
ReplyDeleteThis article....God, thank you. This describes the relationship to a 'T' that I've had for years with my best friend, and I am just now realizing I have to say goodbye. The highs and lows, the rollercoaster of I'm sorry's and blame, and wracking my brain trying to figure out what I said or did that was perceived as wrong...I am exhausted and heartbroken but I am finally now starting to understand.Thank you so much for the post on this, truly.
ReplyDeleteI have been trying to get out of a relationship for almost a year now. He is very manipulative and mentally abusive. At first I thought maybe he is bipolar due to the ups and downs of his moods. Knowing what I am going through, my cousin suggested I look up what a sociopath is. After reading up on this disorder my mouth dropped. The article I read said that out of a list, there are usually three identifiers. Well my boyfriend is all of the above. Which lead me to this article. I have put him out once before but I can't officially cut the strings due to the child we have together and my need for affordable child care. He has broke me emotionally, financially, and mentally so I know what I need to do is the right thing, but his selfishness and unwillingness to let me go is making it extremely difficult. He calls me his wife for life which use to be endearing, now it is just plain scary. I even made a plan to leave without him knowing, which only made me feel guilty, and the thought of me feeling guilty makes me even madder. He hasn't cared about how he talks to me or treats me, so why do I care so much even though I cannot wait to leave and start living my life the way I want to and not how he wants me to. It is scary to read that it is no closure. I went through the whole thing with him trying to harm his self which is how he ended up moving with me the first time I tried to end it. But reading all the stories has given me hope that I will be free one day. Hopefully sooner and not later.
ReplyDeleteHi there. .. I think my hub has bpd as I walked out on him over 3 months ago .. have not seen or spoken to him face to face hes dissappeared on me abandoned me as soob as I left him rhat nifht. Left him our rented house he abandoned that... I suspect ed he was cheating on me again ir happened 8 years ago... the same pattern his personality switched in front of my eyes he then lost all interest in me for at least two weeks before I left him. I c hes straight into a full on relationship living with her ... its so crazy. Plz help there is much more to my story as its so heartbreaking because we was what I thought soul mates best friends. .. but I got tired of the verbal abuse. . Not seeing my friends.. not doing anything for mysel and everything for him! Please any advice thanks
DeleteWow, thanks for all the time, effort and understanding to come ip with such a brilliant article. I can deeply relate to it. I recently realised that i have bpd and my partner believes he does too. This gives us an amazing understanding which we hope will help us understand the hurt, damahing behaviors and start making changes. We know it mau never be perfect but we are aiming to try to minimise instances when ut gets extremely damaging and ugly becuse we deeply love each other. Thank you so much - for doing this so well. Its great to feel understood
ReplyDeleteThis is so accurate it hurts.
ReplyDeleteI want to thank the author for this entry. It was perhaps one of the best reads in trying to understand what is happening to me after watching a relationship end only 3 weeks ago. It left me confused, angry, hurt, betrayed, and deeply lost. I realize now the other is very probably BPD, and the description here only solidifies that opinion. Thank you for offering this - its helping to save my own sanity while processing the loss of a deep love that I felt was never understood or fully appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI want to indeed thank the author for this entry. I broke off my 4 month relationship with my gf. We started out as friends for about a year through work. But once we started to take things to the relationship stage things went the way the article so accurately describes. She had all the red flags from love and sex bombs in the beginning to saying I was the love of her life in a matter of weeks. Thankfully I did not get carried away and do anything stupid. Still though was tough when it ended. After reading other peoples comments I am grateful I never married this person. I also feel for the people who did take that dreadful step. One thing I was told is if you have a gut feeling about a person its usually right. Glad I got out and happy to hear the above people also found there way out too. Life is too short to feel guilty for something thats not in your control. Yes there are people with BFD but with a planet filled with 6.7 billion people there are plenty of good men and women out there so stay positive!
ReplyDeleteMany of you have been blessed by finding this article at a place in your relationships that still allows you to have lots of years for healing and personal growth. I have been married for 24 years to this second husband, after being widowed at the age of 38 by my true love husband of 19 years, with 2young teenage sons to raise. When this husband and I met, it happened under exactly the circumstances as this article outlines........and over the years our marriage has disintegrated exactly as this article outlines, due to what I now know must be his BPD. As a Christian wife, with a strong belief that God takes us through whatever he takes us to, my faith enabled me to survive through many episodes. But the past couple of years of our marriage have sent me, not him, to counseling, which did teach me to "stop walking on eggshells", only to have that culminate in my husband's final threat of having to be "done with me" no matter how broke he ends up, or what he has to do. I say, "final threat" because this time it was accompanied by an unpredictable explosion that had him with his hands brushing against the base of my neck, and my necessity to demonstrate an almost evil wrath back at him to back him down. In the past, I've waited it out, focused on the good times, thought my life comforts were equalizing the bad times. But the insanity of our marriage has to stop in order to allow me some remaining years of real comfort as I progress on past my mid-sixties. Luckily, we had no children together and have taken measures to keep our respective former estates protected for our own kids, and managed to build a respectable base of marital assets as well. I have my first appointment with an attorney tomorrow to discuss the end of my marriage, even if this time my husband actually does go ahead and have me served with the divorce papers he's threatened to do several times. Discovering this article when I did was a gift from God, and I see it as validation of important scripture that justifies us as humans to break free from the forces of anger and hate that are perpetuated upon us by others -- and in this case even if it has happened during the sanctity of marriage. I do not expect to enjoy being alone, without a life partner after experiencing nearly 44 years of total married connectivity. But, facing reality, if my 68 yr old husband were to die unexpectedly, I would have to face the reality of widowhood again, and this time probably prepare to realistically go it alone anyway. I have a strong support network of caring and understanding family and good friends that I know will have my back. I know I can lean on them and they will help guide me through the pitfalls as I grow forward into a life of experiencing the world through my own eyes, with no fear of admonishment, guilt, or need for approval seeking. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, author dear, for this life adjusting article. I am ready to follow the path towards the rest of my life, free from the destructive bindings of an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy person.
ReplyDeleteI just broke up with my bpd boyfriend. We'd been together almost 3 years. I cut if off abruptly, and attempted no contact, but it isn't working. He is blowing up my phone, and threatens to come to my house, although my landlord has banned him from the property (neighbors called the cops during a domestic violence situation we had). I'm finding here that I should have disengaged first. He's an emotional wreck, begging, pleading for me to come back, etc. I didn't know I was supposed to disengage first. I feel like I have to backtrack now. I could do no contact......but it triggers him even more... how do I disengage, distance myself, etch after I've already broken up with him? He is NOT letting me go. I have NO desire to get back with him, and just want him to go away. He won't. Help!
ReplyDeleteWonderful information! This helps me better understand the one-step-forward, two-steps-back cycle that was happening with him for 3 1/2 years now. I understand I am the "trigger" though I have not done any of the things I have been accused of. I am trying to find ways for closure yet know it is unattainable because I know I have not done these things. I understand it is best to get out while I still have some sanity left. Yet I question, as someone up above did, are BPDs ever able to find a good relationship or is it going to be one woman after the next who ends up being their "trigger" and so many innocent people get hurt? Are there people out there with strong enough boundaries for the BPD to "realize" they must stop their manipulations?
ReplyDeleteThis article and the comments below - reading other people's experiences with BPD partners has really helped me to understand what happened to the break down of my relationship with my BPD partner... like the article says...there is no closure, but i found some in reading your experiences. i am just so relieved that after years of thinking it was all my fault it actually wasn't like he always used to make out. thankyou...thankyou....thankyou.x
ReplyDeleteI just went through a serious breakup with my girlfriend. She most definitely has BPD. I have taken months to come to that conclusion after going out with her for just over a year. I didn't want to make a snap judgement and just observed what was happening between us. I wanted to reveal to her at the right time that she may have BPD and that she should read up on it but the relationship got so destructive and crazy at the end there was never any opportunity. I mean in any relationship sometimes we make mistakes but in a normal relationship if you kiss and make up you try to resolve the issues, no so with a BPD. She used my mistakes against me again and again, making me feel horrible. There is no compassion at the end and they literraly blame you for anything and everything wrong once the relationship goes sour. I highly higly recommend people do not get involved in these relationships unless you are cold and immune to your "loved" ones actions. You have to have a solid character and confidence about you that is like 95% perfect and even then they will randomly at their own time attack you. All this is not intentional, but nonetheless devastating to someone who is "trying" to make the relationship work. These relationships really take a toll, and it has most definitely taken a toll on me. I would compare it to a an emotional rollercoaster on steroids. If you are in a BPD relationship and things are good, I would recommmend having a talk with them immediately because sooner or later its going to hell anyways and there is nothing you can really do about it until that person learns to manage and deal with emotions and stress or triggers in a better way. I honestly do not wish this on anybody BPD or not, and I wish everyone the best of luck with this. Most prudent thing would be to get out, but if you stay please get help for yourself and the person that has BPD.
ReplyDeleteI ended my 4 year relationship with my BPD girlfriend, I never experienced so much pain before in my life. I wanted to share with the world that you can overcome this type of break up so I took the plunge and posted on YouTube my recovery and healing of this ordeal. Please search out, "Self Misdirection" I posted 25 videos on what I did to help me get my life back.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU ...NOW I UNDERSTAND
ReplyDeleteI just broke up with my bpd ex. It wasn't my first relationship nor was it my first break up. But I must say that this is the most difficult time in my life. I've never been in so much pain in my entire life.
ReplyDeleteI had my own share of guilt though. I was ignorant to what bpd really is. I mean, I knew the definition of bpd and I did a half assed research about bpd and figured out that people with bpd feel afraid of abandonment. But I didn't understand the full extent of bpd. I thought by keep reassuring him that I love him and that I will always be there for him and that I have no intention of ever leaving him would be enough to make him feel secure.
I didn't know that the extreme mood swings, depression that stretched for days, the hot/cold behavior and cruelty/rudeness was also part of his insecurity. I simply couldn't understand how could someone who is so afraid of being abandon ever try to push away the very person who wants to be with him. Shouldn't he cling instead of pushing away?
The dark moods and depression was terrible. At that very time I seriously felt like a rescue boat trying to save him from drowning in the sea. Here he was screaming, crying and flapping his arms for help but at the very same time refusing to take my hands. The more I tried to help, the more he yelled for me to leave him alone. I did try my best, or so I thought, for more than 2 years. At the end of it I was like; "Fine, go ahead and drown. There is nothing I can't do to help you if you don't want to be helped.", and I walked away from the relationship.
I wish If I had known more about bpd before I walked away, maybe I could understand and accommodate his behaviors a little better. Now I feel really terrible for confirming his worst fear in life by abandoning him. He wants nothing to do with him now and I am left guilt ridden.
I wish there were a way for me to contact you, because I know how you feel. I was/am in the same boat. Please, don't blame yourself, or think that you could've done something differently. Like the article says, there is nothing we can do. Keep reading the article, it is a Godsend for me! I've read it several times. All of the points are valid. If you are feeling guilty though, refer to #4 & #9. I'm sorry for your pain. I wish I could help.
DeleteAny ideas on how to save a marriage if my wife of 4 years who has displayed all the behaviors and torment listed above suddenly moved out and wont let me see our 3 year old. She deleted my entire family off face book and keeps posting hot pics of her self on her home page. We have a sharded family plan so i can see who all she is texting and talking to which the list is grown in less than a week of leaving me. She doesn't even text me anymore when we used to text hundreds of times a day. She ignores my calls and wont reply to texts to talk to my little girl. I have heard from friends that there are some new guys commenting "gorgeous" on her new profile selfie. Should I give up hope? is there a way to reach out to her and let her know I still love her and care about her? This is killing me and I hate seeing all the attention she is getting from all these people after 4 years of high and lows with her. When she wanted she was my best friend and the most passionate lover. I love her so much and her actions and behavior are hurting me so bad. She went to go get her kids from her ex and never came home. She quit her job one of about 6 in the last year and a half, and took kids out of school. Any suggestions ?
ReplyDeleteFor whomever wrote this article, you have hit the nail on the head. It describes my situation to a tee. I have come to read this on an almost daily basis, for my own survival. After being single for years I finally thought I met "the one". But the troubles could be seen from the first week we were together and only worsened with time. Those around me told me to flee. But I felt a need to prove them wrong. I thought that love would prevail. I can only hope now that a new love, a new healthy relationship can allow me to find love again. My soon to be ex-wife continues to hurt me with her actions, her deceipt and outright lies. I am still healing and one day soon hope to move on. It seems she doesn't want to take the steps to make her life better and probably never will. The key to this all, which is the hardest thing to do, is to move on and take care of myself. Once again, thanks to the author of this article. It has almost become a daily prayer to me!
ReplyDeleteThank you for so eloquently putting down the painful truth. My BPD husband of ten years is leaving me, before I can leave him. I left once and came back. There isn't much left of me. I only hope I can go on. I am frightened, alone and devastated. The scars I leave with nearly killed me last year when I got sick and nearly died. I wanted to die. I was seduced, enchanted and loved so compulsively that I didn't recognise the control and abuse until it was too late. I have read many things now, but your article was so painfully true and accurate. I hope there is a bright future for all of us, instead of this pain just trying to breathe.
ReplyDeleteI am a 27-year-old woman and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I do agree with a lot of what was written... I may have this very difficult disorder but I am not a monster and I am easy to live with; as long as you don't trigger my button! Interpersonal relationships are always wrought with turmoil, and I am beginning to see my role in it. However, it should be mentioned that as distressing as a Borderline's behavior is to others, it's even more distressing to US. We don't fully understand ourselves, so how can others try to figure us out? As a Borderline, I fear abandonment more than anything. But my symptoms only show up when I'm stressed or upset. The best way to describe it, it's like being carried away down a deadly fast current, and we struggle to keep our head over the water, desperately reaching out for anyone to save us. Yet we pull them down with us. The saddest part is, many Borderlines (including myself) abhor our actions and the way we inflict pain on others. That is how self-loathing develops, in droves.
ReplyDeleteBorderline from Louisiana
Would you like a hammer? Because you just hit the nail on the head. What a painful but insightful revelation this has garnered. I am currently twirling in the fog regarding my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. My brain is on overload. This literature however allowed me to realize I'm not as crazy as I feel. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the comment from 'Anonymous' above, (27-yr-old woman) my heart is torn between trying to be there for him because I'm the ONLY ONE on earth that knows his disorder (HE doesn't even know, I said I wouldn't tell him unless he was here in person, to have it laid out for him, so that he doesn't immediately go into denial...I know him well enough to know just how to ease him into it. Any other way, will trigger him immediately, and he'll shut it all down)
ReplyDeleteThe problem is the triangulation. I obviously still have deep-seated feelings for him, but to try and be a friend to him, and DAILY having the fact that he's so 'happy' with the one for whom he abandoned me, ground into my face like broken glass as I am pushed/pulled by him CONSTANTLY, I find I just cannot do it anymore. It is NOT my intent to abandon him, and I know 1. that's why he left; he was becoming strangled by his own engulfment....his feelings for me were too deep, and he became terrified; - he'll NEVER admit this; and 2. he knows my door is always open to him, whereas all of the others before me, have completely shut him out. Under ANY other circumstances, I would do the exact same thing, in order to save myself the agony. In this case, because I know the underlying truth, I won't lock the door, so he can always get in; but hard work put into my boundaries, will make things very, VERY different, if/when the door should open, and I see his face standing there. I KNOW he's miserable and he hates himself. He was abandoned as a child, and I'm probably one of the only people that know this, as well. I've been as understanding and loving as possible; but I'm also very aware, that he's sucking me back into his mad world again, and this time, I refuse to become enmeshed, and allow my identity to suffer, as a result of trying to be his rescuer again. I have a disabled daughter, and I NEED to take care of us, first. I hate that this is the case, but....hopefully, she'll be good for him. She wants a baby, he will NOT oblige; he has 3 children already. She's 35, he's 49. He's lived his family life, she has not. Unbeknownst to her, she thinks she's met her soul mate...been there, done that. She's got a VERY hard fall coming..I hope she's well-insulated. She'll need ALL of the padding she can get, when the devaluation starts. *sigh*...SMH. Life has such a funny way of kicking us when we're already down. Seriously, is there ANY relief to be had, anywhere??? Before I met him, all I wanted, was to be happy. I'm not sure it could have gone any more awry.
i got dumped abruptly too. No explanation except that he wants to be alone and to never contact him again and that he does not have feelings for me anymore all of a sudden.... although I am special and all - he just wants to cut me out and he just kept saying MOVE ON -
ReplyDeleteI was in shock. I just got thrown out like garbage and I ams uppossed to just say ok, thanks and move on. That is what he wanted. I was in a fog and crippled with what felt like shards of glass all in me.
It is the worst pain I have ever felt. Its mental, physical turmoil. All I can do is hardcore excercising to keep myself from crumbling.
It has been 2 months since he started cooking my brain with my heart.
Something happens to them. All of a sudden he shut down and tuned out. the twinkle in hos eyes were gone. his facial features changed and he looked like a scared 16 year old boy cowering, legs crossed, hands folded....total personality switch. I almost think that he got scared because he did actually like me alot and that was a trigger in itself. he pushed me away to protect himself from a relationship forming.
Anyhow, I feel like I will not recover from this one....it was the best time I ever had. no regrets. however, being in a relationship with someone ithat cannot and will not change is a mistake and as hard as it is, I am setting him free and saving myself.
I cant let anything control me. We are "out of sight out of mind" Do not let them take your dignity. Every time they are in hypomania mode they have a new relationship until the switch and ditch that person.
You will waste a lot of nights and days with anger outbursts as well. JUST RUN and do not look back.
To the "Anonymous" who admits to having BPD and saying that this article is harsh and everyone is stigmatizing people BPD: people have a right to protect themselves from the abuse. I understand that you are constantly in pain and that there is nothing you can do to make yourself feel better. However, that does not excuse the way the disorder makes you treat people. For those of us who have been on the receiving end of your bs, it is crippling. People with BPD are nothing short of impressive when it comes to ruining other people and destroying their sense of self. True, you can't help it, but then again a rattlesnake can't help the fact that it's venomous. That doesn't mean that people should take them home as pets and try to care for them.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had seen this two years ago. I was 21 he was 23, the only added dimension to this story is that right after the honeymoon period he became heavily involved in BDSM. There's nothing wrong with kink but the additional power he exudes over his partners is terrifying to contemplate. His 1st ex charged him with assault before we met and he was still in group therapy (but totally denied any responsibility)I was his 2nd ex and I heard recently that his 3rd ex experienced abuse from him as well. I don't even think jail time would make him "see the light". You really have to let go of the idea of closure if you want to survive the experience. :(
ReplyDeleteI broke up with my ex of 7 months a little over a week ago. It was pretty much a relationship where we were both taking each other for granted. He eventually ended it by coming over to my house and I simply said 'I know what you're going to say, it's not working out' before he had a chance to. I then rushed him out the door saying 'you should leave now' and when he tried to say bye to my Labrador I was really rude. I essentially said 'what are you doing?! Just get out'. The worst part was that when we got the door I opened it merrily and then said in a sing song voice 'byeee!' and then when he said 'see you soon?' I said 'no you fucking won't' and slammed the door. (Apologies for all the speech in the middle of text). I feel so terrible about ending it in such a cold way after the relationship ending was both of our faults. On social media he seems to be doing fine, but I feel awful and like such a bitch. My friends keep telling me not to text an apology as I might look like a desperate ex trying to get back together. However, I genuinely just want to give the poor guy an apology,which i did but no way, he didnt take me back. i was so down and frustrated because i loved him. so i heard about a man who can help solve relationship problems and i contacted him on (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com) and he helped me pray for my relationship and my ex got back to me and we are happy today, you can also contact him now if you have any problem on (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com).
ReplyDeleteI have been married to my husband for about a year but have known him for over a decade. He is an undiagnosed bpd and will not get help for his mental state.
ReplyDeleteJust recently he locked me out of our home for hours while I'm pregnant and didn't have food to eat for hours. Strangers had to give me water as i waited for the police to assist letting me back into our home after being locked out for about seven hours!
And it doesn't stop there...we barely have Abu furniture anymore as he has, in his fits of rage, disassembled and trashed them, down to out kitchen table!
I promise you i didn't know he was like this until i was about eight months pregnant with our first child. He masked it so well at first and now Im at the point where I'm concerned about my pregnancy, our children and it keeps happening. The constancy obscenities being blurted out in the middle of the street about me, the fake 911 calls, the bogus claims i am physically abusing my infant son so others can hear him and call the police to get me arrested.
A close friend tells me to leave because he's unstable and potentially dangerous. I haven't left because i don't really have anywhere to go and be fully secure with all of my children and one on the way.
I suspect he also has an issue with substance abuse which adds another impossible dynamic to this situation. The staying out late, coming and going as he pleases and even almost dying over it still hasn't humbled him.
His behavior is wreckless and i have nowhere to turn beside God and prayer. I know the simple solution seems to just up and leave but for me it's not that simple. There are so many other dynamics to it. But i can't stand being disrespected anymore.
I'm home now contemplating leaving as he once again left our home with no explanation or notice probably to drink or use and I'm without transportation to get around. I know i sound like a victim but I'm very strong and independent but this experience has seemingly crippled altogether my self confidence and worth and has reduced it to a deep depression and the inability to gather strength at times.
This situation dealing with my husbands rages, outbursts, suicide threats, making other inappropriate and astonishing threats and the list goes on and on.
I have never met a person, not just a man, so miserable and saying they want to die all the time. Blame shifting and saying everyone else is the proven, etc.
And the WORSE part is that he had no medical insurance so he can't get help and counseling for this. I have to suffer through it and he goes undiagnosed and untreated.
I believe therapy and medicine may help but i can't hold on long enough to wait for him to get the assistance he needs to get help. Everyday it gets worse. And i don't want to stick around and see something really bad happen to me or my kids.
I can't take the constant ridicule, the insults, the feeling I'm never good enough, the character assassination and so on.
Undiagnosed and untreated bpd is almost a recipe for disaster that offers no way out for the abused and the abuser.
I WISH i could have him diagnosed and in counseling abd myself as well then i can at least have a prospect of hope that he's being treated and we can have a shot at a more stable life so i can enjoy him without the morbidness looming over him ever waking moment of his life. And i can regain a sense of happiness and comfort in the days ahead.
Aside from that i know even with proper counseling there's still a journey and a road ahead but i can't continue the way things are especially being pregnant and the danger of the substance abuse being present.
I have to love myself enough and the kids enough to make the best decision possible although i love my husband. After the cops being called to our residence twice in a few weeks apart because of his scary fits if rage, along with no prospect of treatment, I'm not sure how long i can hold on in this marriage.
Like the previous writer I have been trying to work out why the man I love is so damaged after the end of a relationship 30yrs ago and they are still platonic friends.I have after 3yrs only realized "the love of his life" was bpd. He is unable to commit and I am now suffering as a result.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2012/07/open-letter-to-non-bpds-from-those-of.html
ReplyDeleteI was in a three year relationship with a bpd and it took a further three years to finally be free of the toxic effect of contact with him having him in my life was like riding a psychotic horse out of a blazing stable
ReplyDeleteThank you. I really couldn't understand what was/is happening between me and my BPD ex. I loved him more than anything but he also hurt me more than I knew anyone ever could. Everything written perfectly describes what has happened and has finally given me some understanding.
ReplyDeleteHello all sufferers,
ReplyDeleteI am going through the most difficult time of my life because of my bdp ex husband. Before meeting him I didnt have a clue about bdp. I met him at 38 got married with him at 39 and divorced him after 3 years.It was such a roller coaster. I had so many dreams with him, he took me to another level of being intimate lets say 80 percent of our time but at the other 20 percent he hurt me insulted me, threatened me, frightened me and did physical violence on me threatening my life and making me go through several mental break downs. After the divorce I gave him one last chance as it always happens and after 10 months of nearly normal period I was almost believing that he was cured, he tried to choke me because ı was nagging. and that was the end. however my drama didnt end. Because after this break up a week later ı learnt that ı was pregnant because we were wishing to have a child.how stupid ı was.I thought 8 crazy weeks whether to abort or keep. It was my last chance to have a baby as ı am 43 years old. In the end I decided to abort because ı felt if ı had tha baby some how he will haunt me all the time whether we live seperated or not. I am so hollow with grief, I so much wanted a baby.
courage to all sufferers like me and stay away from these people because they will take much more from you in the end than they give so you will be ripped off emotionally....
good to know and share our bitter experience and may all the sufferers be healed from the wounds
amen
Thank you for your article. When i read it, i couldn't believe how precisely you described my relationship. You have given me the strength I lacked on so many occasions, to move forward and stay strong. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteReading the comments here has been just as helpful as reading the article. Thank you all. I'll add my own story to the pile.
ReplyDeleteThe red flags were all there from the get-go, but I just couldn't (or maybe wouldn't) see them. We became fast, overnight best friends. We had so much in common, and it just felt so good to be so liked. And then, within weeks, she began telling me about all of the horrible things that were happening in her life. Everybody was mean to her. Her house was falling apart. Her friends were evil. The people on the street were frightening. She'd been fondled by random strangers. She was a victim in each and every situation she put herself in.
I quickly became wrapped up in her unending chaos. How could the world be so cruel for this person? She was so smart and so nice! Maybe I could help! So, I tried to listen, give advice, and be supportive, but the problems quickly got worse. Eventually, every day was a crisis! And yet, when I tried to help, I got kicked in the face for it. It was like she was screaming for help, but the moment I jumped out to grab her, she'd scramble away and run deeper into the lion's den! However, if DIDN'T help, she would make a point to show me just how much she was suffering.
It became a spiral. She got worse and worse. Until suddenly...it stopped. Then the distance started.
This was all further complicated by the fact that she wanted to have a lot of different mental disorders, except for the one she actually had. I made the #1 mistake of BPD-Partner-Club and, because I knew someone else with the condition, I told her that I thought she might have BPD. All that led to was angry denial and the gradual decay of our relationship. All I became was somebody to prove wrong. It was awful.
After a year of friendship, it became obvious that she had some kind of problem with consistency. I imagine it was a mix of conscious lying to protect her newest reinvented persona, and dissociative distortions. But it slowly drove me insane.
2 years later, Facebook helped shattered the mask she built for herself. I found out she used to go by different names. She told me she used to be a shy, social outcast when in fact she was something of a social butterfly. She had 100 friends she all kept separate. She seemed to have some disturbing interests that should have appalled the person I thought I knew. Everything just kind of fell through at that point, and I felt like a tool.
When I confronted her on the inconsistencies and said I needed some time apart, the first major response I got was, "LOL, whatever, thanks for the memories, I guess." No care whatsoever. Ouch. Then she blocked me on social media...only to then unblock me to tell me she blocked me. Finally, she flipped the script on me to say that she was just so tired of having to explain herself, and that SHE needed a break for ME! Wowza.
I blocked her from everything, and I'm very slowly recovering (with the help of some medication). Wow.
Man. What a mind fuck. But I did learn one valuable lesson out of all of this: If somebody is spiraling the drain, but then scolds you for trying to help them out of the sink, just walk away.
What a great and inspiring piece. Describes my soo to be ex. I have been married 30years+ and found an answer to the cycle. We had been to five therapists who did not mention, BPD, only PTSD. Any how, I am glad I am separating this is the best, I have been ran dry and don't have the energy to work with another therapist. I had enough! I envision peace, but if he comes to stalk me, I will involve the authorities, will not allow this type of threat!
ReplyDeleteThank you so so much for this article. I have been struggling for 2 and a half years with my BPD ex-boyfriend. Officially now on our 6th break up, unofficially probably the 50th.. He is now going through his angry/nasty cycle now which is so hurtful when once you were everything to this person yet the things he brings up from the past that you didn't know were an issue are unbelievable. I am worn down, my energy drained and have lost my positive happy nature but I know in time I will be strong and happy again. He is now seeking professional help and knows what is going on yet still blames me for the relationship breakdown. I now understand I will never get closure but this article is the closure I need. I tried so hard to help, but we are so broken there is nothing left to do but look after ourselves. Everytime I am sad I read this article and it reminds me of just what is really going on. It helps so much to get an understanding of it all when you start to play things over in your head wondering what else you could have done. And you know there is nothing more you could do. Thank you again.
ReplyDeleteMy BPD exWife abused my son and I, physically and emotionally (Shaking, screaming and hitting my 3mo son. What monster does that?). She would punch herself in the face and cut herself as well and was constantly cheating on me throughout our relationship. although I only found out later. When I tried to speak to her about it and defend my son, she played the victim, made excuses and quickly betrayed me in the most horrific way possible once she could no longer control me and I called her out on her BS. We haven't even been married a year and now I'm stuck in a custody battle with false allegations sitting over me. Thank goodness for a ton of evidence on my side (911 was called on her multiple times a year for domestic violence, suicide attempts and videos of her abuse and a TON of witnesses, etc) and she has nothing. I'm glad to be out sooner rather than later but it still affected me in a very negative way on a psychological level, especially once the divorce started. I'm still seeing a counselor and attending classes for people recovering from NPD/BPD abuse. It's been a long road but I'm slowly coming out of the fog.
ReplyDeleteIf anything, I was a fool for falling for her. She was a siren and her music was addicting. I could see the signs, but I chose to ignore my gut feelings. Personal observation: Her little bro committed suicide, her mother is a suicidal battered wife and her father is an abusive narcissist (He beats his family and raped my ex as she grew up and yet, they're now best friends?). My ex was a gorgeous red head but when she was triggered, she looked like the Devil himself. My point is, if she's too good to be true in the beginning and her family isn't normal, then I suggest you keep your wits about you.
Projection, basically she accused me of everything she herself was doing (like cheating, abuse, etc) Once her fear of abandonment came true with me (although she filed for divorce and abandoned me) the lies, slander and false allegations started. My ability to protect my son was ripped away from me at that point by the judge until I could prove my innocence. I became a hermit and went completely No Contact with my ex during this time. I am still fighting for my son to this day.
My ex loves playing the victim and loves hurting me. She does not care about my son, he is just a pawn for her to use in her campaign to hurt me. She ruined our lives and I still have nightmares to this day. It's not a nice thing to say but the truth hurts: My ex is a Psychotic Whore. If someone can devalue you like that in a heartbeat and all of the memories you created with them suddenly mean nothing and they start a war just to hurt you, then they are evil. I have no empathy for these creatures and it pains me that our country offers no help for abused husbands.
Stay away from BPD people, they will ruin your life with no regrets. They are masters of lies, manipulation and gaslighting. They will do everything within their power to see you suffer.
Their selfishness is truly sickening. They are evil. Period.
If you are or have been in a relationship like I have, please do me a favor: DO NOT blame yourself in ANY way. The few, tiny mistakes you may have made do not make up for the hell they put you through. Forgive yourself, focus on you for a while, find who you are again and what you enjoy in life and with time, you will move past this and be a better person for it. You will find love and happiness again.
I know how hard it is to be in a relationship with a mentally ill person, believe me. Remember this:
The world is a big place and although the storm has blackened the sky, you will eventually see the sun and bathe in warm light again, you just need to keep fighting and don't give up. Never give up.
Thank you for this article, even though it's several years old, it has given me some peace of mind and closure. I'm sorry to see so many other men and women go through what I have. Stay strong my friends.
I have only been married 14 months but my non diagnosed BPD has been gone for 9 of them. When we met we were perfect for each other in every way. He was my total dream come true. I would finally have a awesome Christian husband who was dedicated to his wife and I set out to be the absolute most kind, understanding, supportive, loving, sexual, non nagging wife I could be.
ReplyDeleteSince we both wanted to honor God we refrained from sex until we got married. But we got marred after only knowing each other 5 1/2 months in a long distance relationship. After all, he was my soulmate. The most loving, kind, open, talkative, sensitive man I have ever met. I felt like God answered all of my prayers and I would finally have the man of my dreams. My life with him was a dream come true, he was THAT awesome!
I knew he was deeply hurt by his ex wife and had feelings of inadequacy, poor parenting ect. He told me that dating him could be like a brick wall but I honestly thought I would change that. After all, he was such a warm, loving, open, genuine, funny man. I thought my deep love and care for him would correct that. WRONG!! I treated him like a King, spoiled him, complimented him left and right, thanked him for every little thing he had done. Told him how much I loved him, appreciated him ect. But after 3 months of marriage and everything being good, he became depressed and I couldn't figure out why. I then started walking on egg shells because the smallest little things would upset him.
Next thing I know according to him, I am a mean, abusive, full of anger and range woman. I'm like ?????? He then labels me as only a 5 as a wife and I am so hurt I ask him to leave. He did and has never come back. Oh, the guilt I felt for saying that out of hurt. I emailed him the next day saying how sorry I was, how I didn't mean it, how it was the worst thing I could ever have done. Please forgive me and please come home. Yada, yada, yada.
Nope, I am now of person who has deep phycological issues and he will not come back until I get professional help for what he calls a drinking problem because I like to have a glass or two of wine after work. I say hey, if you don't want me drinking wine, I will quit no problem. But he won't accept it. I need to go to AA, have an accountability partner who is not him, and get professionally therapy for the wounds of my past.
I am a completely healthy, normal, hardworking responsible woman, who paid for all the bills, food, dates ect while he contributed nothing and went through 3 jobs in our first 6 months of marriage. My children, friends, and coworkers all adore me and say I am one of the most sweetest person they know. But he puts ALL the blame on me when I know that I was very loving and supportive wife.
We have gotten together a few time after he left and it was wonderful, like nothing happened. And suddenly he would try to start a fight out of nothing. Of course I would be deeply hurt, disagree with him and ask him why he is doing this and then I become the mean, nasty, hateful drunk again, even though I had not been drinking wine.
I am at my wits end. He says he does not want a divorce but he has moved his things out of my home, will give me months of the silent treatment, won't date me because all I will do is "yell at him". I love him to death! He is deep down is a terrific and wonderful guy.
I am a Christian and I do not believe in divorce (my first husband passed away after 28 years of marriage) but I also know God does not want me so obsessed and destroyed at getting this great love back which I am thinking now maybe I never really had. I am in so much pain, it is unbelievable. How can someone love you so deeply, be your soul mate and then drop you like you were nothing and treat you so cruel?
Why do I still love this man? I am hoping to get back what we had in the beginning. Lord, please help me and all these others on this forum.
My girlfriend and I got together near the beginning of the year. We've been together nearly a year now. I'd never experienced or known what BPD was, then I met her and wanted to help in every way possible. We chatted and the next day, we both met up. We got on so well, I went back to her's and after a few weeks we made it official online that it was a relationship.
ReplyDeleteI fell in love, we related on lots of levels especially views on a lot of important things. I feel in love with her for who she is and her personality. I've been with her when she's gone to therapy, when she's self harmed I've gotten a taxi to her's to clean her and look after her, or when she's been drunk which has been a coping mechanism for her. I've said and done things wrong, we all do. I myself have mental problems to. While I do love her and I accept that they'll be times where she might have a relapse or triggers, a lot more lately than previously she's been more insulting or suggesting i've done this or that which isn't true. I accept the BPD is a very very beyond hard ordeal for anyone to go through, the insecurity, the worry, the hurting, that's part of it. But it's when you start getting insulted. One time she accused a close friend of mine of trying it on with her when I know they didn't. It's like at times she only tells her part of the story but not the other meaning it can be taken one sided. I'm really really torn, I truly do love her, she say's she loves me and I do believe she does with her actions. But the worry of her hurting herself, the self harm or if she got into a bad situation has made my health really bad and suffer several times. I myself also suffer with illnesses to and I feel that sometimes the insults really knock my confidence making me feel worthless. Or sometimes in the past, there's been situations where someone might do the same action or thing and it's deemed okay, another day it isn't, like the rules change and you end up writing everything down in a list so you don't forget which helps reinforce important points. Above it all I do love her, but I can't take the put downs or walking on egg shells daily which is effecting my health. If I knew in the future she'd change, I know she really is trying hard, I'd stay with her, but I'm worried if I do and it gets worse.
I remember spending a long time talking to family about lots of points i'd done wrong, she had, or ones they had to sort everything out. Must have been the best part of nearly a whole day. I thought this is it, most things are sorted now, but with the future it's always something else, like a constant inspection at times or they project what they've done wrong or how you feel about them and make it as if its you who has done the wrong thing. I've gotten things wrong to, but i've never not once insulted her. Worst is raising my voice, who hasn't done that though or taking a while to see things from her point of view. I'm really torn, if i'd met her now in the last six weeks the way she is, I think it'd be easier for me to say no lets split up, but with the amount of time we've been together as well as it definitely feeling like true love, i'm really torn what to do for the best.
Walk away and never look back. It is the hardest thing to do but you have to protect yourself because she will not care for you like you care for her. Walking away from someone you love is hard but you owe it to yourself, people with bpd never and I mean never are able to show the same empathy and love you have for them. Bpd people never change, they cannot, the programming in their head is hard wired and all that happens is you end up getting hurt or worse while they just carry on in life ignoring reality and the destruction to other people's lives that they leave behind.
DeleteReading through these stories, I now know I wasn't alone in going through my living HELL with my former GF. I toughed it out 5 years with her because of how much I loved her, because I thought it was me and I was the one who needed to change, because I held out hope for that long. Today, 7 months after she told me words I could never forgive, I haven't spoken to her nor do I plan to ever again (also promised my parents and close friends I wouldn't). I can honestly say I no longer love or even like her anymore and have destroyed just about everything she's ever given me. However, one thing I can't let go of is the hurt...the investment I put in and the time I wasted with her (yes, wasted). I find myself so much wanting revenge on her and while i don't obsess nearly as much over this, I still find myself so geared for that...I know this is wrong and should just let karma do its job...but sometimes it's just stronger than I am...any advise on how I can just let this go for good?
ReplyDeleteI wish so much I had seen this article years ago. My ex boyfriend, who I dated for 3 years, displayed every single textbook sign of BPD. I just didn't know it back then. Only recently after reading up on it does it click that he must have had it. It was the most horrible, up and down chaotic relationship I have ever been involved in. So many times I tried to break up with him and he would threaten suicide, follow me home, scream outside my window, neighbors always threatening to call cops. And he made me feel so GUILTY for leaving him. Like I was just the most horrible person out there and would manipulate the situation so I would stay. And always getting so upset at the most minute things. He would ALWAYS freak out if I did a "girl's night" or something, just anything that didn't involve him. He actually forced himself to come along to a couple "girl's night" things, which just made for an awkward situation because nobody else brought their SO. If I ever put my foot down and went to see a friend anyway I got accused of being a lesbian and he would text and call relentlessly. Breaking up with him was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel sad it took me so long to do it and I wasted so much time.
ReplyDeleteWow. I have read this article 4 times. And this is more accurate than anything else I have read to describe my ex's behavior. I saw red flags before getting into the relationship. But because he pursued me aggressively with all the love and passion at the beginning, I let down my guard. Overtime I saw that he got offended very easy even over jokes or minor teasing. Not long after I started feeling I was walking on eggshells. No matter how careful I was while talking to him, or try not to bother him with my own life issues, he would never be happy.
ReplyDeleteWe broke up a little more than two months ago over a trivial matter. After that I flew to Europe because it was very emotionally draining with all the things happened in my own life and his tantrum. I came back two weeks later and he told me - "I used to be crazy about you but I don't feel anything anymore". I asked him why and he brought up all the things that were bothering him but never for once mentioned. Lots of twisted reasons driven by his own perception of things. I wrote him letters and text trying to explain all the misunderstanding but were all ignored.
"BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It's a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder."
Months ago I advised him to see a therapist and he told me I am his therapist. I tried my very best to make his life easy and as comfortable as possible. He sees things only black and while (splitting), and acts like a binary switch. Not to mention the anger bursts and negativity that came with him on a regular basis.
I should have known and acknowledged that he failed two marriages by 30. And he doesn't get along with people at work (we used to work together). He has no friends and doesn't talk to his parents. The only person he loves in the world is his daughter, but yet, sometimes he told me he was mean to her. Now I feel really bad for his daughter, because being brought up by a parents with BPD could have long term effects on her life.
I found it very hard to understand how someone's emotion can be so volatile. For almost a year, he put me on the pedestal and told me he loves the way I am and we can solve any problem together. But all of the sudden I became the most awful person in his life.
After reading this article, I finally realized it really wasn't me. I had 3 long-term, serious relationships in the past. None of them ended because we didn't love each other. They ended mostly because of life circumstances or we grew apart. There was hardly any animosity or anger involved.
With him, there was no logic in play. I reasoned with him after but the only response from him was that I turned everything he said against him. I rarely raised my voice or got emotional with him. But every slight disagreement happened was criticism for him. You can't never win with someone like that. There was no real closure. I will not be surprised if he will have his 3rd and 4th marriage or more in the near future with the same result.
I read all the comments here and I had 17 years with mine. I did not choose to leave until he became physically violent. I left with the clothes on my back. For several years, I supported him because he could never keep employment. It gave him space and we were happy with that. I took a position overseas and he became restless with no work prospects. Then we moved to his country and I became dependent on his income. Things really changed quite drastically. He was so controlling that I was unable to get a driver's license after 9 months. I felt isolated. He had unreasonable demands. I was eventually beaten because he placed a plastic spoon in a hot oven and I asked him to lower the oven temp so that the spoon would not melt into the food. He used to tell me he wanted to run our car into a wall and kill us both. When I had to depend on him for a ride, I would say nothing to upset him. I could never do anything like clean the house without asking him if I could remove the empty glass on the table or vacuum the floor. I was forbidden to make the bed up each morning.
ReplyDeleteAll of that and more. He is totally unable to see things from my perspective and he believes it's my fault that he was physically violent. His reasoning was, he was only human.
I'm happy to be away from him but somehow he feels I will come back to him one day. I know now he was diagnosed with BPD but he is untreated. I've learned so much these last few months. The worst part is the lack of closure but then I lost everything anyway. God help those who experienced the same.
That is an amazing summary of the dysfunction that exists in most BPD/Non relationships.Having previously been in mainly harmonious marriages for nearly 40 years,none of the rules of love,caring and trust applied in my tortuous 6years with a BPD partner.I take some responsibility but was forever trying to re-dress the balance and keep things ticking over.
ReplyDeleteAfter about the 4th recycle,plus many minor breaks,I was triangulated by a facebook liaison and one who he then went abroad to meet,despite lying through his teeth,even after they were photgraphed together.
Eventually he asked for space,only to then become engaged to her in a matter of weeks.He has told his prospective sister-in-law that,'he feels like a teenager!'
How sad,immature and impulsive.Of course he is now in the honeymoon/idealisation stage so appears blissfully happy.
Despite his lies,hurt and duplicity,he wants us to remain friends.
Thank God my nightmare journey with him is over but I still feel sad for him.It is a terrible illness.
I hope more people come across this article at a time of need. I myself have just decided to end a nearly 9 year relationship with a diagnosed bpd sufferer. I thought I would look into the disorder more to see wether the behaviour actually was his fault or the illness. In some respects I feel guilty because I now know that he can't help his behaviour but in others it confirms my decision as life will never change. I love this man very dearly and always will but I've tried everything to help him. He's seen psychologists, and had every help going. Things are always ok for a while but then go back. Ive always been a strong character and never thought I would put up with the things that I have. He has been my best friend and my worst enemy, my strongest asset and my biggest weakness. He was my first love, my first everything and we've done everything together. We have had an amazing life and some amazing times we have also had some of the most upsetting, darkest times. That's what's most confusing about these relationships and as others state you can't help but blame yourself, especially when they make you believe it's you. All I can say is trust your instincts, realise that it's not right to be treated this way and it's not fair for the sufferer to see you upset and hateful towards them when they are in a period of happiness. My guy has been emotionally and physically abusive which in turn has made me be that way towards him. It's changed me as a person and made me say and do things I'm not proud of. That's when I realised that it's time to leave. Someone should make you the best version of yourself. I hope that we will be able to remain friends as he has been my best friend but I'm very doubtful. The only thing I disagree with some of the other comments is that I do believe that people with this illness are capable of truly loving their partners, it's just not the kind of love that people are used to or deem normal. I hope that I will be strong enough to stay away from his charms and promises. Now it's just scary moving on from someone that you truly believed you would be with for the rest of your life. I just have to constantly remind myself how toxic we are for each other and how much more I triggered his illness. I also hope that he will find real love with someone who can truly help and cope with his illness as when he is ok he is the most wonderful man. I really wish him all the best in life.
ReplyDeleteAll of this is so eye opening but none of us were really in love with our spouses or girlfriends because they have no identity and mirrored your qualities so that you would fall for the. We fell in love with oursevles so the relationship failed because that person we thought we nee never existed as we saw them. Love bombing only worked because of our co dependemt need to ne loved.
ReplyDeleteStay strong
All of this is so eye opening but none of us were really in love with our spouses or girlfriends because they have no identity and mirrored your qualities so that you would fall for the. We fell in love with oursevles so the relationship failed because that person we thought we nee never existed as we saw them. Love bombing only worked because of our co dependemt need to ne loved.
ReplyDeleteStay strong