Do people with Borderline Personality Disorder lack of Empathy?

To show empathy is to identify with another person’s feelings.  Empathy is a sophisticated human response.

It begins with awareness of another person's feelings. It would be easier to be aware of other people's emotions if they would simply tell us how they felt. But since most people do not, we must resort to asking questions, reading between the lines, guessing, and trying to interpret non-verbal cues. Emotionally expressive people are easiest to read because their eyes and faces are constantly letting us know how they are feeling.

Once we are aware of another persons feelings, we briefly imagine ourselves in their place - feel what they feel - and then respond to them in ways that would comfort us. This requires great deal of emotional maturity.

When Do Our Empathy Skills Fail

Having empathy isn't so easy when we are in a distraught emotional state ourselves. It can be hard to give when we are needy. We have all been there at times. Showing empathy isn't so easy when the person we are trying to comfort is having an experience we can't relate to - either in terms of noticing it or it terms of how to respond to it. We have all found ourselves in this situation at times.

A Person With BPD Fails for the Same Reasons as We Do

Having empathy isn't so easy when one is in a distraught emotional state. Keep in mind that BPD sufferers are often flooded with conflicted and painful emotions. During times of dysregulation, an emotional response that is more intense than normal, Borderline Personality sufferers can be so overwhelmed with emotion that makes them, at worst, incapable fo normal functioning , and at best, internally focused, self centered and self absorbed.

Often a person with BPD doesn’t have emotional energy to spare to consider the emotions of others. 

Showing empathy isn't so easy when it's an experience we can't relate to.  People suffering from BPD have a problem with poor emotional vocabularies, meaning they find it hard to label and understand - their own feelings - let alone understand others. This inability to understand or accept their own feelings leads to feelings of confusion, shame and self hatred, one of the defining traits of a BPD sufferer. Additionally, a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is often not very kind to themselves. They often comfort themselves by dysfunctional means - cutting and self injury are a good examples of dysfunctional soothing.

Even worse, if a pwBPD perceives they are being attacked or criticized by our pain and suffering, or that there is even the possibility of being attacked, their defenses may go into over drive and the attack rather than empathize.

What Can We Do?

Being hurt and defensive doesn't help.

Being the target of someones dysregulation (which can often feel irrational and unjustified) is painful. And while the natural reaction is to become defensive – this takes us further from receiving the empathy we desired or need. This is why independent support is very important to individuals in relationships with people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. 

BPD is a true mental disorder. A person with this disorder often can't be empathetic. We need to recognize this and find comfort elsewhere.

If we see that the person with BPD can't respond appropriately we need to just step away - let it go - find support in another way. Family, friends, and support groups are very important for those in a relationship with a person suffering from this disorder.

Do We Need to be Show Empathy for the Person with BPD?

When we try to understand others behaviors from a logical standpoint, we are judging our loved one based on how we believe they “should” perceive. This focus on “logic” leads to the conclusion that the pwBPD "should" be able to do better. Believing these “should’s” prevents us from full acceptance that our loved one is mentally ill. But, lets face it, it’s hard to comprehend how someone’s emotions can get in the way .

A recent study at Harvard Medical school using brain scanning to analyze how anger is processed, demonstrated that people who were depressed had a decrease in blood flow to critical areas of the brain, reducing their inhibitions and interfering with their ability to consider the consequences of their actions. They experienced what researchers described as a double hit, “A decrease in blood flow to these areas of the brain reduces both their ability to control impulsive acts and their feelings about the consequences of those acts, say punching someone in the mouth. There is both a lack of emotion and a lack of control. A double hit that adds up to inappropriate, even violent rage.”

Someone who suffers from BPD is constantly on the alert for any possible invalidation. Even the slightest criticism or hint of rejection hurts them and drives them into defense and attack mode. They become hyper vigilant to any possible threats (often making mountains out of molehills in the process) as a defensive measure to protect themselves.

Until we can accept this, we won't be able to adjust and make our lives and theirs less chaotic and hurtful.

Authors: Skip and United for Now 

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