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It's compelling to think that we are a victim. It absolves us of responsibility. However, while it may feel good to think this way, it isn’t the healthy response on our part.
The downside of casting ourselves as a victim is that this thinking tends to keep us repeating the same dysfunctional patterns. It reinforces the thought that we can’t do anything about the abuse because we are helpless. It masks the bad choices we made. It often hinders us from reaching for the tools to grow and to heal ourselves.
Learning that it is "not all my fault" doesn't mean that we are faultless.
Many of us wish that the pwBPD in our lives would get therapy and become “cured” and all the relationship problems would vanish. Sadly, this dream misses a major component of the problem – us.
We too, are damaged. How, you may ask? It takes two people for an argument. It takes two people for emotional blackmail to work. It takes two people if someone is being abused. It takes two for most of lifes events. We choose to stand there and listen as they screamed and yelled at us. We choose to not walk away when things became uncomfortable. We choose to plead with them during the long stretches of silent treatment. We choose to continue living there. We choose to stay in contact.
These are choices that we made. Sure, they were out of love, but love for whom? Why didn’t we protect ourselves? Why didn’t we take care of ourselves? How can we expect to take care of others if we couldn't take care of ourselves?
Even if our loved one improves, without changes in us, the same problems are likely to repeat.
The real hope lies with us - in taking a step back from the dysfunction and untangling the enmeshment and becoming the emotional leader in the relationship or in the breakup.
Targeted Reader: Anyone in a romantic relationship with BPD, or a person exhibiting BPD personality traits or a BPD personality style. This article is not aimed at parents or children.
Authors: United for Now, Skip
Targeted Reader: Anyone in a romantic relationship with BPD, or a person exhibiting BPD personality traits or a BPD personality style. This article is not aimed at parents or children.
Authors: United for Now, Skip
BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of nearly 75,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community with its nearly 3 million postings and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com
It's so easy to see yourself as a victim, and not do anything. Blaming someone else may make sense, but it doesn't solve any of your problems or make things any better.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to be a victim anymore.
I'm going to do something for myself...
I'm under police investigation for alleged sexual abuse of a BPD late teenage Boy . My only "crime", to try and help him get help .So how is it that its my fault?
DeleteThis article is a bit black and white also. To suggest that someone who has stayed with a partner with BPD is at fault also, just sounds to me like it would come out of the BPD person's mouth. THAT IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE.
ReplyDeleteWhile it may be the majority, every situation is different, and for some, the choice to stay is the only one they have. Also, for very responsible people who are always looking at their involvement, or fault, in a conflict, get very abused by a BPD. While everyone the responsibility to their own happiness, to put the blame on them for the being abused just sounds like blaming the victim to me.
The text in this article should state that this is not for parents or children, as I am the child of a parent with BPD. Children do not have a choice. A footnote is not sufficent.
ReplyDeleteWhile I understand the point in the story I will share that in my case of having been involved with my BPD girlfriend, it was more painful for me to realize and admit that in fact I WAS a victim. Being a victim is the worst feeling in the world. Yes of course I could have walked away but it's such an absolute mindfvck of the highest order it took a very long time to understand what was happening..
ReplyDeleteIm going through the same crisis with my son's mother. She got me arrested for assault. Because I call and ambulance to get her help. So she lies to the cops because she fears I've would take our son because her mental state of mind. Shes super paranoid. Bpd and pts. A nightmare. Im sick of her selfish ways. Its been the worst time of my life. I want help. So I can move on. She can't see her other kids because shes a mess. She gets evil. I dont trust her. Im hurt because my son is still with her. I try to get her help but she got all the excuses in this world
DeleteI would like to see more information for those that have left a spouse with borderline personality disorder. For years I have been a victim of his distortion campaigns. It's very difficult to defend myself against all of his lies. I know I shouldn't even try, but I still get caught up in it. I just want him to leave me alone. We have two children together, so we do have some contact, though he disappears and then comes back into the picture like he's dad of the year for whoever the new person is he's trying to impress. Anyway...I have no idea how to get my life back and stop trying to trip him up in his lies. Thoughts or recommendations?
ReplyDeleteI am currently in the midst of a break up with a BPD. I also feel he may have other mental illnesses as well. He distorted everything in my life!! He made me question my own sanity For instance I actually saw and touched and felt hidden money in his wallet. ( at times of being broke he would all of a sudden have a $20 in his wallet or whatever and say u weren’t supposed to see this I was going to buy u something.) when I found the hidden money I decided not to say a thing and the next day it was gone. No I’m the liar. I’m crazy. It was never there. He started out by turning his family against me with lies. He has a huge family and I have a couple family members. He saw how close I was becoming with his family (not to brag but I’m pretty awesome) and started cutting ties with deceit and lies. He actually made situations where he would have his son purposely make it look like I was being mean. Every year he always dropped his Thanksgiving Day plate in the same spot and always right next to me. I usually don’t say a thing but I don’t think I bit my tongue hard enough this last time because at this point I am not stupid. His son would be around me and talking and as soon as I saw that look he gave his son would take off or drop the conversation mid air. It’s so sad because I honestly did nothing wrong to deserve such lies and deceit and I have no one to turn to really. He has sucked my energy dry. All the blame is not on him but on I. He does nothing wrong. I’ve dealt with his emotional abuse for 4 years and his physical abuse for about a year or less. We have our son together and honestly I do not trust him at all. I have watched him use his children as pawns in his own game. It’s really really hard because I invested so much time and energy and love and dedication. I gave him faithfulness and a true heart. He not only tore my heart into but I no longer have one. I know one day it will heal. Hoepfully
DeleteI have just gotten out of a painful 3-year friendship with a person my counselor diagnosed with BPD. I had gone to him to help me get out of this friendship. I'll spare the details but she fits the description to the tee except never apologized for angry outbursts towards me while alone or in front of others and I lived with her severe judgement of others. Why I "stuffed" the behavior & my gut for so long I don't know.
ReplyDeleteShe and I share some of the same friends although they know her more superficially. We are in a class together that is really important to me (and to her). What do I do if she verbally attacks me during the class? She's done it at a party to a couple of the others at a party....not sure they heard her and I am almost sure she'll do it to me in class. (She always says it's a joke/is never laughing & I know she can't help it)
I literally start to shake at the thought of being in the same room again with her yet I don't want to give up my class or my friends. How do I handle the outbursts if they happen?
Please help.
Ok, so basically you are telling my wife to leave me. Thanks. Yes, I have been told I have borderline personality disorder, and yes it greatly effects my relationship with anyone I let close to me. But to say that they should decide to stay or go is horrible. It's not that simple to just stay or go. If my wife left me I would still be the same person only with one less major positive influence in my life, even if I don't acknowledge that she is a postive influence. Rewrite this article maybe a little longer and try to tell people not to just give up easily. Explain that it is in fact a life time struggle. It is something that will never go away. Nobody wants that in their life not even the person with bpd. Being with someone with this illness is a life long commitment. You can see it as a sentence like with jail, or as a commitment something you will never give up on. Kinda like being married or having kids. The only way I can escape this illness is by dying and although I may want that sometimes I am still here and not giving up. Giving up is the easiest thing to do. Nothing worth having comes easy like life or family for that matter. Don't give up on someone if you truly love them. It's not going to be easy, ever.
ReplyDeleteExactly how I feel. I am the BPD and now when my husband and I get in an argument I get my ass beat! And yesterday morning I got twisted around so he could punch me in a place that wouldn't be seen and I was twisted and punched and something in my already damaged knee torn up. Oh and I am disabled and in pain management and I suffer because he steals my meds to get high. And when that's gone, even my Neurontin for the neuropathy I have in my feet and legs. I'm so over this .
DeleteYes, your wife should leave you unless you get treatment and you didn't get yourself to this treatment and you work your ass off that means go 2 or 3 times a week for 5 to 10 years
DeleteIts also not fair to think someone should be ok with the verbal abuse and the silent treatment and character assassination that occurs when we are rejected and shut out for things we never did
DeleteI was with my HS sweetheart, BPD for about 24 years and 2 kids. Besides the emotional abuse, gaslighting, and blame, he became physically abusive to me and our son. I 'made' him hit me, I made him drink, I made him cheat on me. I could make him do all sorts of horrible things, but I couldn't make him stop. Cheating on me (again) while telling me I was a worthless POS who wasn't good enough for him and busting our son's mouth open (not 1st time) = I need some space to get my feet under me. So I filed divorce. I found out he was still cheating on me - with a mental health therapist, an unethical, ignorant, child who believes his lies. I can't wait for her to find out the ugly truth the hard way. He chose living with her over working with me because she told him that I didn't love him, but she did. She said she loves him just the way he is and she will love him forever unlike me... 24 years together/ 15 married... I'm done! I feel like I wasted my life with the exception of my kids and they are a hot mess. I've had my son in therapy for about 7 years now. I didn't know about BPD until it was way too late. I've failed my kids. I'm tired and worn thin. Since I still have to communicate with their dad,I still occasionally hear how I didn't love and respect him enough. Yeah, babe, that's it...I didn't love YOU enough...I didn't love myself enough! Today I'm grateful for the love of God. No one can ever take his love away from me.
DeleteMay 17 anon, if you are not seeking treatment you should have never married or God forbid, brought children into the world. Chances are if they don't inherit it, they will suffer during your rages-at them or your wife.
ReplyDeleteYou should be alone because what no one has the guts to tell you is that you aren't "mentally ill"-you simply have a character disorder and you will destroy the soul of every person who has to deal with you. It's like a snake eating a lizard-its just their nature. And yes, good relationships ARE easy, its people with character disturbances which make them hell.
Yes!
DeleteI am a divorced male. I had been married to someone with borderline personality for over 20 years. Back then I had no idea what I was getting into (I was very young) but over time I realized that I was living a hell that you can never really escape and is indescribable, especially when you have kids together. The day she was diagnosed with BPD while she was held in a psychiatric facility after her second suicide attempt in front of our kids, confirmed much of what I had been experiencing all of my life with this person.
ReplyDeleteI thought I loved this woman, but I hated the outbursts, distortions, the abuse both physical and emotional against our children as well as myself, and then there’s the crippling clinginess they inflict on you when they feel they can’t be without you. Because one of the greatest triggers for BPD people is their fear of being abandoned, they develop very manipulative skills to convince and persuade anyone that will listen to them, they will convince people to think that you are the bad guy when in reality you are such a victim. They are usually very seductive in their presentation of what they want you to believe.
While treatment is somewhat possible for success, don't bet on it! There are very few that seek help, if they commit to treatment, they can function productively, not all BPD's are like this. BPD's are notorious for never admitting that they have a problem at all! They not only lie to themselves but to everyone else as well. It is the cancer of all mental disorders. Run if you can and don't look back. If you choose to stay or have to stay, do all that you can to get them to treatment as well as yourself to cope.
Don’t fool yourself I learned the hard way, I thought with time I could help her. But I realized decades later, I lost everything, except my kids (thank God) If you are divorced from someone with BPD always be ready for court, often, they will drag you back there and be ready for plenty of drama too. People will try to rationalize and make sense of it, they will make excuses for them and worst of all lose themselves in trying as I did for so long. If you are going through it with someone you love and choose to stay, for as ever long as that will be, I wish you good luck! You will need it!
Wow. Thanx. I need it to hear that. Its been four years. Ive been to jail twice. For lies. Because of fear that I would fight for my sons custudy. Its madness. Everything is a problem talking to people. Super control freak, jealous. You name it. I 've had nightmare s with this woman. My dad and had nervous brakdows helping her in our home. Its madness. Im starting to feel hate. Because all ive cry for my son and I. No morals , I hate bpd. Im preparing to fight for my son. She lost custody of her to older kids. Imagine how paranoid she is with my boy. Our son. Ive pray the juge sees that bpd. Its not safe . She needs a lot of help. Im sick of her. Love but dont like her at all
DeleteThanks for your story and I am sorry for your pain. I am at the point of making a decision whether to stay or to get out of my marriage to a borderline.
Deleteyou nailed it.
DeleteThey say that people with BPD have the highest rate of suicide, but I'm surprised that it's not victims of people with BPD. It's a living hell that seems inescapable. I know no one who understands it and most people are not interested in hearing about other peoples' hellish life with a person with BPD. It's nightmare.
ReplyDeleteI thank god for comments like urs and this website...I was in hell too.
DeletePreach!! That’s a very tough part of it. No one else knows, most don’t want to hear or will ask what are you doing wrong in the relationship. When your with a bpd, your real flaws in a given relationship will never get the chance to be a show. Your walking on eggshells the whole time.
DeleteI suffer in silence. Emotional and psychological abuse, cheating, lying and all the while the outside world thinks he’s Mr. Wonderful. I asked him why he hurts me he replied “Because I can.”
DeleteCan I ask what your relationship was with the person with BPD? I have been a victim of a BPD's rage and distortion campaigns, so please don't feel alone. I understand what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteI have been married to a women who we just found out has BPD. Well I have been telling her for years now that I felt BPD was her problem. The cheating the lying is to much to handle. We are no longer together and never will be, I can not go back to that hell. She blames me for everything wrong in her life, even when the facts are she lost her job as a nurse. She had her nursing licenses suspended do to her second DUI, yes but I am to blame. She is a great manipulator, now looking back its been our whole marriage. I was convinced for a long time that I was the problem or the one with the problem. I now see the problem was that I stayed and tried to help. But the roller coaster ride was making me sick and the only way to save myself was to get away from the infection. I truly wish her the best but do not have to much confidence in her at this time. For those of you living with BPD or someone who has it I wish you the best. There is help you just have to want it and work at it.
ReplyDeleteWhere do victims get help? I don't need help getting away... I had no idea what a borderline was and I eloped with one after 2 months of dating because she hid her illness very well at first. Now I'm going through a divorce, she has my son, she does not take proper care of him and she's telling the courts all kinds of terrible lies about me. What do I do? She's ruining my life both emotionally and financially... I would never be in a relationship with her again, but how do I stop these terrible things she's doing to both myself and my son?
ReplyDeleteI only took a year of living and being in a relationship with someone with BPD and alcoholism, and I'm still seeing a psychologist about the trauma. The level of manipulation or "distortion campaigns" were incredible. I've never felt more consistently hurt by someone I loved, ever. The hell everyone speaks of in the commentary is real. It was the best and worst experience of my life though, because I view the world completely different now. I'll never understand why she did these things, I don't think she'll ever understand either, but I tried and tried to help. Martyrdom is never the answer to being truly happy. There is apparently nothing you can do to help. Both are victims, of their own psychological trauma inflicted upon themselves, and the trauma inflicted upon their loved ones. Run for your life, because your life literally depends on it.
ReplyDeleteHaving just escaped from a relationship with a BPD with bipolar disorder (yes the BPD in the extremes of psychosis)I think the above article is somewhat niave about the nature of BPD abuse and the level of psychological manipulation that can occur and the impact this has on the significant other. My partner seriously needed assistance with hi mental health and I stuck around long enough to support him to come out of psychosis cause there was no really way to escape his push pull and aggression in that extreme state. I had hoped he may be able to sort through some of hi emotional issues when more level however the manipulations continued. All the while I had the support of therapy, am a mental health worker with the self-awareness to own my own issues and still the extremes of behavior and manipulations are such that your completely headfucked by the way that they relate. We are not to blame the victems in any abuse situation - that is simply supporting and validating the psychological damage inflicted by BPD abuse - reinforcing the typical BPD cilification of the people they abuse. They need to take responsibility for their behaviours! Saying it is the two people is niave and irresponsible. I found a way out - safely. I am no victim. I'm a survivor and well on the path to healthier relationships due to my ability to maintain what was healthy within that situation. I also supported that person to get to a point where they see they have a problem and may start the journey of healing. No matter how healthily you relate to a BPD they will push and push until you crack!Let talk in terms of survivor and good people who try not in terms of victems and copilots.
ReplyDeleteI am just starting the divorce process (at my wife's request) after ~5 months of marriage. I went from ~8 months of the happiest I have ever been with the sweetest, most gracious, loving woman I have every met, to her insanely jealous with outbursts to reclusive / depressed and isolated, to now pure emotionless evil....all in ~4-5 months span. I have been searching for the last couple of months (the only consistently bad period of our relationship) for an answer, certainly without an answer for a sudden, non-negotiable request for divorce.....and just found it TODAY. Everything I have read over the last couple of hours points to, without a doubt, a severe case of BPD. I asked my wife to maybe talk to someone during the tough times, but she would not, not in small part because she is a PharmD, and does not want to be perceived as not in control. It has been the most emotionally traumatic thing I have ever endured and I love her more than my life. So sad for everyone involved, most of all for my once-loving wife who I die for inside.
ReplyDeleteRun. Run as fast as you can.
DeleteMy husband of almost two years kept telling me to leave, get my own apartment, and not be home when he got home. He would say these things at the most random moments and for no reason. I think he feared so badly that I was going to leave him and strong abandonment issues. He left for a business trip and told me not to be home when he got home, then blocked me from his social media, and took most of our money from our joint account to an account that had been secretly hidden from him. He accused me of cheating on him, and said I had cheated 5 months ago and he could tell by the way I looked at my phone. So weird. Our first 2 years of dating were amazing, he is super attractive, highly seductive, and he was so attentive and sweet. When we got married he changed, on our honeymoon he called me fat and in our romantic bubble bath he did the intimidating Satan eye stare and told me never to make decisions for him. He got fired from his job and blamed it on me, he said if it wasn't for me he wouldn't have been fired and would have had the women wrapped around his finger. Then, we moved to a new state where I knew no one and he stopped paying attention to me and started hating me. He said our wedding was a sham and fake, wasn't attracted to me, and didn't believe in God and Jesus. It's like he became a demon. I left him, and his response was turning off my cell phone account and filing for a divorce and a foreclosure on our home. I contacted his ex and she said he used to give her concussions and hit her in the head. I went to a PhD counselor and had her read our emails, texts, and talk to her and she said he is a Borderline, with bits of cluster b. I decided to leave out of fear of him and his behavior. His words are like knives and his impulsive behavior is too much. I left him and am on the road of recovery. I'm learning to trust myself and take care of me. It's hard to eat and after being called fat, I'm 5'10 and was 155lbs when we married 2 years ago, I'm 130lbs now. I have to learn how to love myself again and respect myself. I have fallen in love with Jesus and the Bible, it's given me so much purpose, direction, and peace. I read everyday and it's healing my soul.
ReplyDeleteLook up Jeremiah 29:11 in the bible or on google, it will help in your healing process too!
I managed to pull my way out of the eventual toxic world of loving a borderline, but the scars run very, very deep. At first, you will be made to feel a king or queen...for quite some time even. Long enough for you to believe this is the true state of the person you are falling for. Then, for no apparent reason, the charade will start slipping, you will become emotionally abused, you will fight to save something that you have no idea what the true reason is you are fighting for. You will be confused, you will be taken to the edge of your own sanity. You will feel your world fall apart and you will have no idea why.
ReplyDeleteThen you'll search for her symptoms online.
Then you'll either run away, or try and understand her and save the relationship.
The most wonderful thing was finding this woman, she was perfect for me. The most devastating thing was reaching a decision that I have to leave when she slept with her ex, although I still tried to salvage what we had afterwards.
She is still in denial.
She will repeat the process again no doubt.
I have so much sympathy for someone suffering this illness, now that I have lived in her world...but I have even more sympathy for those who fall prey to the beautiful trojan horse that is their BPD partner. For they have no idea what they are dealing with, when all they see is the person they love.
BPD is much more serious than what we are led to believe, so much more.
I just got fired from my respected job of 15 years. My career. My passion. My life. And it all comes down to my "BPD" ex who created a false email and wrote my (prior) employer with lies to get me fired. I went under internal investigation due to the lies, and then the BPD write them as himself and complained that I was sharing information in the investigation and that I should be fired immediately or he would be going to the news. Yes I had shared a little of my investigation with a few close friends who knew that I was a victim of my BPD's psychological abuse. He also had been monitoring through my iPhone which appears to be how he knew I was talking to them and then wrote IA to report I was "talking during an open investigation and should be fired". Meanwhile, he was emailing me on extreme ends of the spectrum: "I love you and I can't believe what I have done to you and your children" (I didn't respond to any of these messages and learned accordingly that ignoring a borderline brings great wrath like the other emails he sent me): "you are a disgusting whore and you will suffer and be lonely for the rest of your life!". So my "bpd" abuser carried out the threats he had always made to me if I "abandoned" him that he would get me fired. And he felt so good and empowered that his plan to get me fired worked, that he then burglarized my home and cut up some of my clothes. I have a TPO against him. My passion in my life for the past 15 years is taken from me because of his "illness". Illness my ass. He created a false identity and used it to get me fired and then burglarized my home and cut clothes, turned the A/C down to 60 degrees, and removed my mailbox. All because I won't respond to his many texts and emails. He needs to go to prison along with many of the other bpd stories I hear.
ReplyDeleteI just got fired from my respected job of 15 years. My career. My passion. My life. And it all comes down to my "BPD" ex who created a false email and wrote my (prior) employer with lies to get me fired. I went under internal investigation due to the lies, and then the BPD write them as himself and complained that I was sharing information in the investigation and that I should be fired immediately or he would be going to the news. Yes I had shared a little of my investigation with a few close friends who knew that I was a victim of my BPD's psychological abuse. He also had been monitoring through my iPhone which appears to be how he knew I was talking to them and then wrote IA to report I was "talking during an open investigation and should be fired". Meanwhile, he was emailing me on extreme ends of the spectrum: "I love you and I can't believe what I have done to you and your children" (I didn't respond to any of these messages and learned accordingly that ignoring a borderline brings great wrath like the other emails he sent me): "you are a disgusting whore and you will suffer and be lonely for the rest of your life!". So my "bpd" abuser carried out the threats he had always made to me if I "abandoned" him that he would get me fired. And he felt so good and empowered that his plan to get me fired worked, that he then burglarized my home and cut up some of my clothes. I have a TPO against him. My passion in my life for the past 15 years is taken from me because of his "illness". Illness my ass. He created a false identity and used it to get me fired and then burglarized my home and cut clothes, turned the A/C down to 60 degrees, and removed my mailbox. All because I won't respond to his many texts and emails. He needs to go to prison along with many of the other bpd stories I hear.
ReplyDeleteNow a single dad of 2 teenagers with no job or income. All because he was angry I was not returning his harassing calls and texts while I was working. Disgusts me.
You need to stress right at the beginning that this statement is NOT aimed at the children of those with BPD. This is a very triggering and damaging article if read by the child of someone with BPD.
ReplyDelete