Silent Treatment: When your partner acts as if you don't exist

Ah, the "silent treatment" and that empty, trapped feeling we get when our partner chooses to ignore us.

Maybe you don't know what you did or perhaps you do and you thought that it was a disagreement that could be talked through.

Maybe they are just angry and you will be able to discuss the situation in an hour or two. Then again, maybe your near term plans are cancelled and you need to let others know. Maybe your relationship is over. Maybe.

Is this intentional punishment? Abuse? Passive aggression? Manipulation? Emotional overload? Learned helplessness? The answer is complicated - it can be any and all of this.

The one thing that we can all agree on is that it is frustrating and it is destructive behavior. 

Withdrawal Some (but not all), silent treatment is a later stage development in the communication breakdown between two people. There are stages in communication breakdown that start with intractable conflict and complaints - basically disagreements that the couple can't seem to resolve. This, in time, evolves to the point where one (or both) of the partners begins to feel contempt for the other and their attitudes about their partner change for the worse. As the divide widens, one (or both) of the partners becomes very defensive. In time this leads to a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Silent treatment can be part of this latter stage. For more on this, see our article on John Gottman, PhD model of relationship breakdown.

So, in this context, silent treatment passive aggression, emotional overload, withdrawal, or learned helplessness? Yes. It is a sign of a relationship in the later stage of failing. A good "tell" if this is what your are dealing with is to consider whether there has been prior unresolved conflict, and growing resentment, and defensiveness in the relationship. If there has been, then this is the large ball of twine that would need to be resolved to save the relationship.

Best reaction? See it for what it is - its about their feelings. Generally, give the person space and let them come back to you in there own time. When they do, listen and don't be defensive. It's good to consult with others about how to handle a specific situation as there are many factors that would influence your approach or reaction.

Power Is the silent treatment ever a power-play, manipulation, punishment, or abuse? Absolutely. Sometimes silent treatment is about tactic to win. One tell for this type of silent treatment is an effort to involve others in the process of isolating you. Another tell is any indication of satisfaction in isolating you. If this is the case, you are dealing with someone more focused on winning or being right, than on resolving conflict.

Best reaction? See it for what it is - its about winning, control. Generally, let the person have their silence - don't retaliate (lower yourself) and don't give in (reward bad behavior). Go forward without them and let them catch up when they are ready. It's good to consult with others about how to handle a specific situation as there are many factors that would influence your exact approach or reaction.

You aren't alone. Stay centered. Don't lose perspective. Others have experienced this and talking it out may lead you to effective ways to deal with your partner. Our message-board is active 24/7 if you would like to talk about it.

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